Page 76 of Be My Reason

“No!” she shrieks and I have to pull the phone away from my ear.

“Okaaaaay, tell me how youreallyfeel.” I roll my eyes at the phone. “No, really, why not?”

“Lyn, it’s only been a month.I think any guy you date is sure to be a rebound guy. That’s not really fair to him now is it?”

Well, I didn’t really think of that.I guess she has a good point.

“Tell me, why do you want to get out there again so soon?” she asks.

I decide truth is the best way to go with her.Anyway, she’ll see right through me if I feed her a load of crap. “It’s not that I reallywantto.” My finger traces an invisible spot on the counter in front of me. “It’s just that I feel awful. Like, every day. I’m tired and cranky and I’m sick of being physically sick over him.” I sigh into the phone. “I think if I meet a guy and see that other great guys are out there, maybe it will give me hope for the future and—”

“Wait,” she interrupts me. “Wait a goddamn second and go back.”

I’m confused now. “Huh?”

“You said you are tired and bitchy and feeling sick. Like puking sick or generally feeling like crap sick?”

“Uh, well I have been throwing up a lot. But then I usually feel better. It’s usually in the morning when I wake up and realize that Nate isn’t here and he isn’t coming back.” I frown.

“What else? Is there anything else going on with you. . . physically?” she asks.

I think for a minute.“Headaches I guess. Oh, and I can’t stand the smell of his blueberry muffins anymore. They make me sick.” Nate’s favorite, I think to myself.

“Lyn.Oh my God,” she says with concern. “It sounds like you’re pregnant. There is a girl in my office who recently found out she is knocked up and I swear she told me the same things you are saying. Tired, cranky, headaches, food aversions and morning sickness.”

Morning sickness?Food Aversions? God, no. That is not what’s going on. Emma is being dramatic. It’s just my body trying to get over Nate.

“Have you had your period lately?” she quizzes me.

“Yes, of course. I had it a few weeks ago,” I assure her. “Plus, I’m on the pill, you know that.”

“Was it normal?” she asks. “You know the pill isn’t one hundred percent effective, right?”

I think back. “I guess it was a little light, but Geez, Emma, I was in a really bad way.I still am. That’s why I’m so sick.”

“Not sick, Lyn. Pregnant,” she says confidently. “I’d bet my life on it.”

I think about what she has said. I think about the way I’ve been feeling lately. Sick every morning, tired all day. Could it be? Surely not. Fate wouldn’t be this cruel.

“Oh God, Emma!” I cry out.

I hear hershuffling around and making all kinds of noise on her end. “Don’t move,” she says, almost out of breath. “Stay right where you are. I’ll be there in four hours.”

~~ ~

Lyingon the exam table, my feet in stirrups, I still don’t believe the home pregnancy test that Emma made me take last night. Yes, there was a faint line, and, yes, the directions said that any line, even a faint one was a positive result. But, even so, I don’t believe it. I can’t wrap my head around what this could possibly mean for me so I refuse to accept it without concrete proof.

Emma sits at my side, holding my hand while the doctor inserts a very uncomfortable wand thing up inside me, that, ironically, is covered with what looks to be a condom—the very thing that would have prevented predicaments such as this. The irony is not lost on me.

My eyes are closed as I say silent prayers over and over that the test was a fluke.That I really have just been sick over losing Nate. That my life is not about to be thrown into a tailspin.

“Here,” the grinning doctor says, and I open my eyes and look at the monitor that he is pointing to. “This small sac right here, this little peanut, that’s your baby. And that pulsing right there, that’s the heartbeat.” He smiles brightly at me. “Congratulations, Ms. Vaughn. You appear to be about eight weeks pregnant.”

The look on my face must alert the doctor that this isn’t exactly news for celebration. He quickly removes the instrument, wipes me off and says he will give us a minute as he leaves the room.

“Oh, Lyn.” Emma pulls me into a hug. “Don’t worry. Everything will be okay. Wait and see. Things will turn out for the best. I promise you.”

Back at my apartment, Ilie in bed trying to digest everything the doctor told me. Apparently, the antibiotics I took a while ago for my UTI probably interfered with the potency of my birth control pills. And that being on the pill caused breakthrough bleeding right around the time I would have expected my period.

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