Page 74 of Be My Reason

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I wake up Sunday afternoon feeling wellrested thanks to the sleeping pill Emma made me take. The first thing that hits me, other than re-living the horrible moments of yesterday morning, is the smell that comes from Nate’s pillow. Tears once again well up in my eyes and I feel sick so I run to the bathroom. Nothing is left in my stomach. I haven’t eaten in thirty-six hours so I just dry heave over the toilet.

I shower and throw on a tank and yoga pantsbefore going in search of my phone. I find Emma and Graham sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee and arguing. Emma tells him that he better keep his psycho friend away from me. Graham says that he isn’t a psycho but has trust issues stemming back to his mom. She tells him that Nate better work his shit out if he ever wants to even talk to me again. He agrees with her that we need to stay apart but he admits he’s not sure Nate will ever be able to have a normal relationship.

My heart sinks, yet again. Emma rises to fetch me some coffee and my hands tremble as I lift the mug to my lips. “Did he call?” I ask, eyeing my phone that is sitting on the table between them.

“No, sweetie, he didn’t,” she responds.

“Text?”I ask hopefully.

She shakes her head and lowers her eyes from mine.“I’m so sorry, Lyn.” She moves to my side and guides me to sit down next to her. “But I really think you might have to walk away.” She sighs. “He needs to figure out his life and you need to let him.”

Graham and Emma stay the rest of the day. They comfort me, feed me—well, they try to anyway, I don’t feel much like eating—and they talk me into letting go of Nate, for my own good. Forhisown good. Who knows how far he would go if he truly thinks I am cheating. Graham tells me what lengths he went to after Claudia cheated on him. He thought Nate might kill the bastard that slept with his ex-wife and Graham had to physically restrain him on several occasions until he was able to convince him that Claudia wasn’t worth it. However, Graham does have a point. Maybe Nate thinksI’mworth it. Would he really come after Ryan? I like to think he wouldn’t but if Nate and I aren’t together, he would have no reason to.

I’ve stopped trying to keep the tears from falling, it is a futile effort. I realize that I have to let him go. I have to let him go to protect him from himself. Bile rises in my throat at the thought of never being with him again; never feeling the body that quivers under my touch; never having the heart that worked its way into my soul.

I finally send Emma and Graham on their way after convincing them I’m not suicidal. I take another sleeping pill and hope that it obliterates all thoughts from my mind and gives me temporary peace.

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The past few weeks I have resembled a robot going through the same motions day after day.I do what it takes to get from morning until night. My head hurts from talking so much when people ask about Nate. I’m tired of telling the story, and although I leave out most of the details anyway, it exhausts me every time.

Exhausted.Yes, that is the one word that describes me. Everything about me is tired. And even though I no longer take sleeping pills, I still sleep at least twelve hours a day. I figure it is my body’s way of getting over Nate. The more I sleep, the less I think of him.

But the thing is, I still think of him.I think of him every waking minute of every day. When I see something funny, I look around for him to see if he is laughing, too. When I run, my mind races with thoughts of his hot, sweaty body. Every morning when I wake up and realize that I’m not in Nate’s arms, I run to the bathroom and get sick. And damn it, if I don’t punish myself by listening to Nickelback’s greatest hits and our song, ‘Be My Reason’, over and over again. I guess I wasn’t really his reason to change. Maybe he wanted me to be, but his love for me wasn’t strong enough.

I reach over and grab the pillow that still smells of Nate. I know I will have to wash it someday. But I’m not ready.Just as I’m not ready to take off the bracelet that has adorned my wrist since he placed it there. Now, it is only a reminder of the men I have loved and lost.

Every day, I fightthe urge to contact him. I don’t know how many times I’ve written an e-mail or text and deleted it at the last second. I have to remind myself that even if we could be great together, he will always have issues and could be a threat to Ryan or any other men in my life. I’m protecting Nate by keeping away. I recite this over and over. It has become my mantra.

I also remind myself that he has not contacted me once in the past two weeks. If heloved me—cared about me at all—he would have made contact. To apologize, to explain, to even see if I’m okay. But nothing.

Ryan has been my rock when Emma can’t be here. He is constantly checking up on me. He fills in for me downstairs when I’m too tired to move. He even cancelled his trip to Australia to scuba dive the Great Barrier Reef.

He has come to make me dinner, yet again. “You ready yet?” he asks, as he comes through the front door.

“Not yet.Maybe tomorrow.” It is the same exchange we have every night when he comes over. He wants me to get back to living, to go to the climbing gym and try to kick his butt on the rock wall again. And every day I give him the same answer. Every day I hope it is the truth, that tomorrow I will be ready.

He has made me lasagna tonight and it is heavenly.The man can cook. He is the perfect guy really. He has it all. Looks, money, charm. Maybe he is exactly what I need to get over Nate. Without thinking, I lean over the table and kiss him. I want to erase the past and the bad memory of that horrible day when Nate made me choose. I want to do something that will numb my body and my mind. I want to lose myself in something or someone.

I quickly realize that not only is Ryan not kissing me back, but he is pushing me away. He drops his napkin on the table, and pulls me up by my shoulders then he leads me over to the couch and gently pushes me to sit down.He sits next to me and takes a deep breath and then lets it out.

He looks me straight in the eyes. “Lyn, is this what you want?” he asks. “I mean, deep down, when you look at me, and when you kissed me just now, what do you feel for me?”

I lower my head in shame and look at my fingers as they fiddle with my bracelet. “I love you,” I admit. “I love you like the brother I never had.”

“And I love you like a little sister,” he says.

“I thought. . . I mean since he thinks I’m cheating on him with you . . . that I might as well be.” Now that I say it out loud, I realize how ridiculous it sounds. “Oh God, Ryan,” I say, heat creeping across my face, “I’m sorry. I’m such an idiot. Can you ever forgive me?”

He laughs at me and shakes his head. “You don’t even have to ask, Lyn. Of course I forgive you. And it’s understandable that you want to do something radical to get yourself out of this funk you’re in.” He reaches out to grab my hand. “But how about something more constructive like kickboxing or skydiving? Maybe scuba diving? I can get us down there in a matter of days,” he says hopefully.

I smile at him. “I don’t doubt you would do that for me.” We get up to go finish our dinner.

Ryan’s phone rings and he is quick to answer it and step outside of my apartment to talk to whoever is on the other end. He is Mr. Mysterious lately. He has done this a lot in the past couple of days, dropping whatever he is doing to give his full attention to a phone call. He must have a new girl in his life and he doesn’t want me hearing his lovey-dovey conversation when I’m still a flat-out mess. I appreciate him for that. But when I ask him who he was talking to, he always says ‘nobody’. I guess he doesn’t want to burst the bubble yet.

The bubble. And my thoughts are instantly back on Nate.

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