Page 64 of Be My Reason

“Like what? Pissed, sad, emotional?” I turn to him and add, “You need to let me know where we stand, Nate, because I was under the assumption that we were in a relationship.”

“Oh, you mean like in a relationship where you believe your boyfriend when he tells you your business partner is going behind your back?”

I roll my eyes. “Nate, I’m so sick of talking about this. How did a situation with your mom turn into another argument about Ryan? If you aren’t going to trust me then I don’t know why we are even doing this.”

“What does trusting you have anything to do with the fact that he wants to sell you out, Brooklyn? And it certainly has nothing to do with the fact that he wants tosleep with you.”

“Oh yeah?Is that what he told you when you went to see him, that he wants to sleep with me?”

“He didn’t have to tell me. A guy knows when anotherguy wants his girl.”

“I’m not going to stand here and defend myself, defend my friend and partner to you.” I get up to leave for work.

“Don’t walk away, Brooklyn!” he shouts after me.

“I’m not walking away, Nate. You are pushing me away with all of your false accusations.”

“False accusations?” He stands up and runs his hand through his hair. “Now who needs to go talk to Ryan?”

I throw up my handsin frustration. “I’m late for work,” I say, as I walk toward the door.

“Yeah, you wouldn’t want to be late and disappointhimwould you?” he spits out.

I turn abruptly back to him. “You know what? Fuck you, Nate!” I spew at him.

OhGod, that felt so good, like I let the steam out of a pressure cooker. So I decide not to stop there. “I’m tired of you treating him like he is always doing something wrong. I’m tired of walking on eggshells around you because I’m afraid of injuring your fragile ego. And I’m tired of feeling guilty every time I talk to another guy just because you had a cheating, bitch of a wife!”

I stomp down the hall, leaving him before he can respond. Leaving him in what I can only imagine is a state of shock because his normally quiet and obedient girlfriend dished him up a dose of reality.

I find it hard to concentrate on work not knowing what I will find when I get back upstairs. Will he be there? Maybe after seeing his mom and then hearing my diatribe, he will decide Savannah is too much for him. Maybe his going back to Raleigh in ten days is a good thing. I love him, but it is becoming increasingly difficult to live with the constant accusations. His jealousy was one thing, understandable even, given his past, but this thing with Ryan and my business—he is going too far.

By the time I leave work, I’ve decided to give myself some space.Space to think about our relationship. Time to figure out what I want and need in the long run. Distance away from the man I will cave to if he simply touches me.

I leave Nate a note on the breakfast bar.

Not running, just need some space.

I make sure Kaitlyn and Derek can cover for me for a few shifts before heading out. I pack a small bag with a couple of days’ worth of clothing. I’m not even sure where I’m going. Mom’s house is too close.Emma’s too far. Plus, I really want to be alone.

My phonechirps.

Nate: Who’s shutting who out now?

Me:Nate, I don’t want to shut you out but I can’t deal with all of your allegations right now. Please give me some time.

Nate:In ten days you’ll have all the time you need. Do you want me to leave now?

His words punch me in the chest and take the air out of my lungs. No, I don’t want him to leavenow. I don’t want him to leave ever. But at the same time, I don’t want him with all his baggage. I’m so confused.

Me:I don’t know what I want. Please, give me a few days. I don’t ask you for much.

It takes a few minutes, but he finally responds.

Nate:Okay. Listen to the song, Brooklyn.

Before long, I find myself driving out to the coast to stay in a little hotel by the beach that Emma dragged me to after Michael died. I can still hear her words in my head.

“There is nothing like the beach, with the rhythmic sound of the waves and the hot sand under your toes, to make you feel better and bring clarity to your life.”

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