Page 49 of Be My Reason

Emma takes a deep breath and puts her hand on mine. “Lyn, I know you loved Michael. He was a great guy. But you are ready for this and he would want you to be happy. I know you are ready to move on. I realized it six months ago, when you finally got rid of that old toothbrush of his.” She smiles at me.

I remember that day, too.The day I tried to put him behind me. But it wasn’t so that I could find another man. It was the day I accepted the fact that I could be alone and be okay with it. I didn’t need someone else to make me happy. I had my shop, my parents, some close friends and that was going to be good enough for me. So, yes, I threw away that old toothbrush. The one I had still used every once in a while, just to feel close to him again. Then I took off my engagement ring and tucked it far back in my jewelry box.

I shake my head at her. “No.”

“Why?”She is getting frustrated with me. “Why can’t you allow yourself to be happy?”

I close my eyes and remain silent. She doesn’t know.She couldn’t possibly understand the burden of betrayal that I carry with me. My betrayal of a man who was quite possibly the most perfect person ever to touch my life. He didn’t deserve what happened to him. He didn’t deserve to be with a woman whose heart was fractured and couldn’t ever be fully repaired. He was so much more than I ever could have lived up to.

“Brooklyn Anne Vaughn!” she yells at me. “What the hell is your problem?” She throws my hand back down onto my leg.

Tears are pushing through my closed eyelids and I can’t take it anymore.“I don’t deserve to be happy!” I yell back at her. “I killed him.”

“What?” She looks at me with brows drawn together. “Who?”

“I killed Michael,” I say softly and look at the floor, “and I don’t deserve to be happy, especially with Nate.” There, I said it. I finally let out what I’ve been feeling these past few years. It feels good to get it off my chest and tell someone, but it doesn’t change the facts.

She shakes her head at me. “Michael died in a car accident when you were taking your exams.How can that possibly make you responsible?”

“Because I was with Nate, in Raleigh.I had feelings for him. I’m a terrible person.”

“That is crazy, Lyn.” She takes my hand once again. “Of course you had feelings for him. He was your first love. The boy you lost your virginity to. That doesn’t make you a bad person. And nothing happened. You have nothing to feel guilty about.”

“There was a kiss.Well, there would have been, anyway. That night in the rain.” I tell her the whole story about what she and Graham unknowingly interrupted that night.

“Lyn, even if you would have kissed him, that still doesn’t make you responsible for Michael’s death.In the end, you did the right thing, you were loyal to Michael. You would be married to Michael right now if he were still alive. You have nothing to feel guilty about.” She rubs my back to comfort me.

“No, you don’t understand, Emma.Iamresponsible.” I take a deep breath and say what I’ve never even admitted to myself until now. “I thought . . . just for a second back then I thought . . . what if Michael wasn’t around. That I could be with Nate if Michael wasn’t around.” I drop my head to her shoulder and sob. I cry until my tears dry up and there is nothing left but heaves and hiccups.

Emma holds me to heras she continues to rub my back. “Oh, Lyn. We have all thought things like that at one time or another. Even now, as much as I love Graham and would never leave him, I can see a really hot guy and wonder what it would be like if I were single.” She pulls my face up and places her hands on either side of it, looking me directly in the eyes. “We can’t control our thoughts and feelings. But what we can control are our actions. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You did nothing wrong. You loved Michael and you were loyal to him. Please, Lyn, you have to accept that.”

I nod weakly at her.I hear what she is saying and I want to believe her. But I know deep down that I am partly to blame. “Thanks for coming all this way Emma, but it doesn’t change anything.” I get up from the couch and head upstairs for my purse. “I need to get away for a while. Please don’t follow me.”

“You are making a mistake, Lyn,” she says when I return to the room. “One day you will realize that and then it will be too late. He says he is done. He is not waiting for you anymore. If you let him leave, you won’t get him back.”

“I know,” I say, as I go out the front door and close it, leaving Emma behind.

Hours later, after driving and trying to clear my head, I am sitting on a hard, cold concrete bench, talking to the person I’ve hurt more than anyone in this life. “I’m so sorry I did this to you. I’m sorry I had feelings for him.I hope you can forgive me someday, Michael.”

I stare at his grave.

I close my eyes and remember the good times we had together. I think about the time he gave me eighty-six roses just because we had been together that many days. Then there was the rare weekend getaway we had to the beach, making love on the sand at dawn. He was such a romantic.

I jump slightly off the bench when I feel small, but gentle hands come around me from behind.“Aunt Lyn!”

I turn around to find my almost-niece, Amanda, smiling at me.She is a pretty twelve-year-old who has Michael’s red hair and the most adorable freckles I’ve ever seen. And I love the way she calls me Aunt Lyn even though we are not related.

I hug her back and then ask Janie, Michael’s older sister and her mom, “What are you doing here?”

Oh God, I’m stupid.Duh!

Janie motions to Amanda. “She had a dream about Michael so she made me bring her here. It’s so nice to see you, Lyn.” She smiles and we hug.

“Uncle Michael told me I should come visit him,” Amanda says.

I look at Janie and she shrugs.

Amanda continues, “He told me I needed to come here and that when I did, I would see my reason.”

---