Page 48 of Be My Reason

When I wake up, I’mbeside him in his bed, still draped over his chest. I watch him sleep. He is gorgeous. I can’t believe I am waking up next to him. I trace my eyes over his still-naked body and take him in. Last night was amazing. I never thought making love could be so . . . profound.

I look at this man, this man who I loved when I was a child, this man who has been to hell and back and yet he is still willing to risk everything. He never stopped being the man of my dreams, even when I was with another.He was the one I was supposed to be with, end up with, grow old with. It is his voice I hear in my head when I’m sad. It is his hands that I want on my body. And it is his heart I want beating with mine. My own heart skips a beat.

I love him.

My eyes grow wide. I gently untangle myself from him and then give him a kiss on the cheek. One last kiss. I want to remember him like this forever. I quietly pad out of the room.

Quickly, I gather up some clothes and get my purse. Then I write him a note before I leave.

I turn back once to look at his door before I place the note on the table.The note that has only two words on it, along with some of my tears.

I’m sorry.

Chapter Eighteen

I’ve been driving around for hours and the sun has started to rise. I wonder if hewoke up yet to find me gone. I wonder how much he will hate me when he does.

I can’t drive forever so I go to the one place that has always provided me comfort and unconditional love.Home.

My mother already knows something is wrong as I called her to cover for me at the bakery this morning.That is the first place he would look for me and I’m not about to have a confrontation there. That is, if he even still cares. Maybe last night was just another one-night stand for him. Maybe he needed to get me out of his system so that he could move on.

Thankfully, my dadis gone and will not be home until much later. I need some time alone without everyone trying to help me or fix this. I made my decision. It is for the best. I wish everyone could understand that.

I’mlying in my old bed, staring up at the ceiling. The ceiling with glow-in-the-dark stars and planets that my dad affixed to it when I was young. Back when there was no drama, no hurt, no pain. Maybe if I stay here long enough, I can become that carefree little girl again.

I lie here trying not to remember every kiss, every touch, every orgasm from last night, when music startles me. It takes me a second to realize it is my phone. I don’t even have to guess who is calling me. He must have changed my ring tone for him. The ring tone that is now begging me to be his reason . . . his cause . . . his light. That song he won’t let me get away from.

I cannot bear to hear it anymore so I reach into my purse and turn off my phone. Then I fall asleep, physically exhausted from last night, mentally exhausted from this morning. . . twisting my hair and counting to five, over and over.

I awake to pounding at the front door. I ignore it of course, thinking that eventually he will go away. Then I hear Emma screaming up at my window at the top of her lungs. “Lyn!”she howls. “Lyn, open the damn door. I’m not leaving until you let me in.”

Crap!I know she means it.

I quickly look in the mirror and wipe away yesterday’s smeared mascara from under my eyes.Then I check the time and see I’ve been sleeping for hours.

Igo downstairs and look through the window by the front door. She is alone. Thank God. I open the door and Emma barrels through it, almost pushing me to the floor. “What the hell is wrong with you, Lyn?” She screams at me.

“Well, hello to you, too,” I snark at her.

“Don’t give methat, sister.” She points her finger at me. “Do you know why I’m here? Why I’ve driven the four hour drive from Raleigh in about three hours?” She lifts her eyebrows. “Well, do you?”

“To return myJLo CD you borrowed twelve years ago?” I deadpan.

“Not funny.” She pulls me into the living room and sits me on the couch. “Listen to me, Lyn, and listen good. I’m here because Nate called his dad this morning and asked him to take him off the job and give it to Graham.”

I just stare at her.

“As in, Nate is leaving. He is packing his stuff as we speak and is going back to Raleigh.” She hits the pillow next to me with a balled up fist. “Forever.”

“Good. That is exactly what I want,” I say to her. “He needs to get on with his life.The quicker he realizes that we can’t be together, the better. He is right to leave here.” Even as I say the words that I know are true, I have to fight off the tears that threaten to fall.

“Why is it that everyone else can see that you belong together?Everyone but you, Lyn.”

“Maybe that was true once, a long time ago.But not anymore, a lot has happened and we can’t be together,” I say.

“What?Tell mewhathas happened? What is it that is making you so stubborn that you refuse to do the one thing that everyone else knows will make you happy?”

“Michael!” I yell at her. “Michael happened.” A tear rolls down my cheek.

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