Page 44 of Be My Reason

“I don’t know if I can wait that long.It’s like baby steps with her. She makes me think that maybe, just maybe, I might be getting under her skin and then she makes some remark about never dating. She’s messed up from Michael dying or something. All I do is think about her. Do you know how hard it is for me to get this project off the ground when all I can see is her face, every time I sit down to sketch?” He pauses to breathe. “Dammit, now I sound like a pussy. What is happening to me?”

“I think they call that love, brother.” Graham laughs.

What?Love? No, no, no, no.

He doesn’t love me.He simply wants to sleep with me. I walk away. I don’t want to hear what Nate says next. I have to get out of here. I race down the stairs for my run, not even caring that I forgot to change my ripped shirt. I run until I almost throw up.

He can’t love me.

I have to fix this. I have an idea about how to do that. On my way back, I stop in the bakery and talk to Kaitlyn, putting my plan in place.

I shower and try to avoid Natefor most of the afternoon but I’m going to have to face him eventually. He will wonder why I’m not up for movie night.

I take some deep breaths and meditate for a minute, working up the courage to do what I have to do.What I know will hurt him. But it’s for his own good. If I can spare him the pain, I should do that.

I find him at his drafting table in his bedroom.He is drawing something and I catch a glimpse of it before he sees me and covers it up. It wasn’t the usual sharp lines of a building. It looked more like a face.

“Hey,” he says.

“Hi.” I bite my lip. “Um, I wanted to let you know . . . uh, I wanted to tell you that I’m going on a date tonight.”

I jump back as he startles me when he stands up so quickly that his chair falls over and smacks against the floor.“What?” He looks at me with intense eyes. “I thought you didn’t date, Brooklyn.”

“I don’t.I didn’t. But I thought maybe I should.”

He stares into my eyes and I know he is hurt. He is trying to hold it together but he wants to tear my head off.He wants to yell and scream at me. What he doesn’t understand is that I’m doing this for him. “Who is he?” he asks through clenched teeth.

“Nobody, just a friend of Kaitlyn’s.” I try to sound indifferent.

He grabs his keys off the desk, sending papers and pencils scattering around the floor. He blows by me. “Do whatever the hell you want. I’m finished.” He walks down the hall and slams the door on his way out. Hard. I think he might have even cracked the frame.

I’m standing in the doorway to his room and I can’t move.I’m staring at a drawing of me that landed on the floor at my feet. He is an incredible artist. He makes me look beautiful. An unbidden tear runs down my cheek. I’m doing this for him. I turn away and go get ready for my date.

~~ ~

I’ve never been to this club before and I’m glad it is halfway across town.The farther away I am from Nate, the better.

Kaitlyn’s boyfriend, Carl, has brought a friend to be my date. Scott is thirty-ish with dark hair, a solid body and a great smile. He is a firefighter so I imagine under that tight green shirt he has muscles to die for. He is gorgeous. Every woman’s dream date.

I stare at him and try to get all warm and tingly inside. I laugh at his jokes and make pleasant conversation.On the outside it seems that maybe we’re hitting it off. On the inside all I can think about is how he doesn’t have dirty-blonde hair that curls up at the ends. He doesn’t have that smile that is reserved just for me. He doesn’t have that smell.

I close my eyes and try to invoke thatsmell of fresh laundry and Nate. When I open them, I think that I must be some kind of witch who has conjured up the perfect man of her dreams, because when I look across the expansive bar, there he sits. I blink twice and look around. I must be hallucinating. I look back again and there he is. I know it is him but he is not looking at me. He is looking at the beautiful woman sitting next to him.

I look to my right and seethat Kaitlyn has noticed Nate as well. I give her my ‘what-the-hell’ look and she beckons me closer with her finger. She whispers in my ear, “He came down to the bakery earlier to ask me where we were going tonight.” She smiles at me and shrugs.

“And you told him?” I say a little too loudly and then look around to make sure Scott and Carl aren’t paying attention.

“Sure, why not? I thought it would be fun and who doesn’t want a little excitement in their Saturday night?”

I look her dead in the eye.“You are so fired.”

She laughs at me and says toeveryone, “Let’s go dance.”

Out on the dance floor we are all finding our rhythm, dancing as a foursome. Scott is a good dancer and he is starting to attract stares from hordes of women.I wonder if any of them will ask him to dance. It dawns on me that it wouldn’t bother me in the least if they did.

I look over at Nate.He has a beer in one hand, and the woman in his other hand. His hand is around her waist and his thumb is rubbing little circles into her back. He whispers something in her ear and she throws her head back, laughing in a deep throaty, sexy laugh that I can hear across the room.

I know this shouldn’t make me mad.After all, I’m the one who is out on a date. He should be able to do whatever he wants. So why do I feel compelled to go over there and rip her eyes out and pour acid into the sockets?

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