Page 24 of Be My Reason

When I think about it, I realize that everything Michael said is true.If I wanted to be with Nate, I could go be with Nate. But what would that accomplish? He would just hurt me again. Even if I did have feelings for him—which I don’t—he would cheat on me and move on to his next conquest.

I knew all this but somehow it took Michael telling me to really make me understand.It took Michael accepting my flaws and trusting me completely to free myself from Nate. I know what I have to do. If he contacts me again, I will beg him to leave me alone. I will ask Graham to do whatever it takes to keep him away from me. I need to focus on Michael. My life is with him, with the perfect man who I know will be true to me. A sense of relief washes over me. The weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I am at peace.

~~ ~

It has been almost a week since Nate texted me last and I really thought he wouldsimply go away so I wouldn’t have to confront him. I’m bad at confrontation. But my phone chirps, and Karma, she just won’t leave me alone.

Nate:I’ve tried to stay away, do the right thing, but I can’t. I know the reason you cried that night at the club. I remember the song, too. I remember everything about that night. Brooklyn, I always wanted it to be you. I wish I could explain things, please let me. N

Damn him. I wish he would stop this. He is making this hard. I’m sticking to my guns. I have to tell him to go away if I want a chance at happiness. I take a deep breath and type out a text.

Me:Nate, I told Michael everything and he was very understanding. He is the one I love. I don’t want anyone else. I don’t want you. I’m sorry about whatever happened back then that caused you to leave but this is my life now. I can’t have you in it. I’ve made my choice. Don’t contact me again. Please.

I am shaking as I re-read the text and then I close my eyes and press ‘send’.

I open a bottle of wine and drink a glass rather quickly. I’m proud of myself for my resolve. I did the right thing. I’m ready to move on.

My phone chirps.

Unbelievable!

Nate:Brooklyn, I promise to respect your request not to contact you again. I just had to send you one final text. Please do something for me, for the old me you knew in high school before I left and screwed everything up. Listen to a song for me. ‘Be My Reason’. It’s my story. It’s how I feel. It says everything I can’t. It says everything I want to. It’s always been you. Nate

Just like the damn car wreck I can’t not look at, it takes all of about a five-second battle between my conscience and goddess within before I pick up my phone and download the song. I listen closely to the chorus.

Be my reason . . .

My cause, my light

Be my reason . . .

My purpose, my life

‘Cause baby it was always you

You’re my reason

You’ve pulled me through

The song sounds familiar. It is about a man who had hurt a woman and is asking for her help, for her to be the reason for him to change and become a better person. By the end of the song, tears are running down my cheeks. It is a very romantic gesture, one that would have been nice about eight years ago. It might have even worked on me then. This emotion that I’m feeling right now . . . I fight it . . . it’s not real. It is the emotion of that seventeen-year-old girl who I no longer am.

I pull up the texts he sent me and press ‘delete all.’

Chapter Eight

Between studying for exams and all my time at the bakery, due to giving Kaitlyn a much-deserved vacation, the past few weeks have flown by. Life is good. Life is comfortable. Michael and I have been doing some wedding planning. We tasted cakes and listened to a few bands on his rare nights off. If anything, I feel a deeper connection to him than ever before.

Nate has stayed true to his word and has not contacted me at all.My heart has mostly healed and maybe it was even a good thing that I went to Raleigh with Emma and ran into him. I think I would have carried around that anger and resentment forever. I’ve let it go now. I can even take the shortcut to my parents’ house again which means passing by the entrance to The Bend. I still don’t think I’ll ever actuallygothere . . . but baby steps are good. I even find myself ordering my favorite treat again—a chocolate shake and fries—whenever we go out. Shame on me for depriving myself of the deliciousness for so long.

One more night of studying and I’ll never have to crackopen a textbook again. For once, I’m glad Michael has a long shift including an overnight. If today were one of his days off I would feel the need to spend it with him since we get so few together. But, luckily, he is there and I’m taking advantage of his quiet apartment to study into the night. Tomorrow morning I will have to visit the campus on the other side of Savannah to take all three exams for my on-line courses. They won’t let you graduate unless you show up in person for the exams. I’m not worried about the exams at all. I know I will pass them. But just like how I had to perfect my red velvet recipe even though my original was good, I can’t go into an exam knowing I will simply pass. I have to know I will pass with flying colors. So I study all the material again and again.

~~ ~

I wake up in Michael’s bed surrounded by still-open textbooks and notes scattered all over the bed. I smile knowing this is the last day of school.I’ve got this.

I punch out a text to Michael and Emma.

Me:Wish me luck . . . here goes nothing!

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