Page 85 of Engulfing Emma

“And when we went to the other tall buildings, you had fun as well, once we got to the top.”

“I suppose.”

“Emma, you don’t have a problem with tall buildings. You have a problem with elevators.”

“That’s crazy,” I say.

“Do you ever take elevators?”

“Of course I do.” But then I think back over the past six weeks and I realize I haven’t gotten into any elevators in a while. Not even when I go to Lisa’s apartment on the sixth floor. I told myself I needed to get in my steps, but maybe he’s onto something. “Or I did until recently. I’m not sure why I stopped.”

“After the incident at the school, I was a bit claustrophobic,” he says. “I’m guessing you’re experiencing some sort of PTSD from being held in the storage closet at gunpoint.”

“Do you really think so?”

“I’m almost positive. Just look what you’ve been doing the past twenty minutes. If you were afraid of tall buildings, you’d be having a panic attack up here, but you’re totally fine. Just like the other times.”

I look at my hands. Steady as a rock. “Oh, my God, you’re right. So the buildings? You don’t think that was a real fear? But all this time I thought …” I shake my head in amazement.

“It was as real as you thought it was. You never tried to go up in a tall building in all these years. If you had, maybe you would have figured it out long before now.”

“Back then I wasn’t afraid of small spaces, so I would have been fine in elevators.” I look around again, amazed I’m actually here, and I’m okay with it. “I can’t believe it.” I move to the edge. “I can even look over the side. This is incredible.”

I try to take in everything: the buildings below us, the maze of streets, the sky. I see airplane trails crisscrossing the horizon and turn to Brett in excitement. “I think I’m ready.”

He looks at me, confused. “Ready for what exactly?”

Damn. I did it again. “I’m ready to fly. If I’m not scared of tall buildings, maybe I’m not scared of airplanes either. I want to do it. I want to go in an airplane.” I’m struck by a specific idea. “I want to take Evelyn to Germany.”

“Whoa,” Brett says. “One thing at a time. Germany is a long plane ride. There’s no getting off once you get on.”

“So go with me,” I blurt.

He laughs. “Now you’re just talking crazy.”

Do I want to take it back? It takes me two seconds to realize I don’t. “I’m serious. Look what I’ve accomplished with your encouragement. You know all about the breathing and the song. You’re a paramedic, for Pete’s sake. You can help if I freak out or go into shock or something. Come on, it’ll be an adventure.”

“What about your daughter?” he says, raising a brow at me as if to challenge my request.

Oh, right. There’s that.“You’re my friend. Evelyn has male friends. There’s nothing wrong with friends taking a trip together.”

I could swear he gives it some serious thought, but then he looks sad. “Friends. That’s what we are.” He stares off into the distance. “I’m not sure Germany is a good idea.”

“Please, Brett. This is something I need to do for Evelynandfor me.”

“Emma, you realize how fucking twisted this is, right? You kick me out of your bed repeatedly. You brush me off. You ignore me for a week. And then you ask me to go on vacation with you?”

“It’s not a vacation. Far from it. Plus, I’ve never been overseas, and it would be nice to have somebody to protect us—you know, two single ladies all alone.”

“Jesus.” He rubs his jaw in contemplation.

I bite my lip in anticipation, like a kid waiting for a Christmas present.

He laughs at my impatience. “I’m not promising anything, but I’m sure as hell not going on an eight-hour flight with you until we figure out if you’re okay flying.”

“What did you have in mind?” I ask. “A test flight to a nearby airport?”

“Too many other people. You saw what can happen in the elevator. People can be dicks.” The wheels in his head spin. “I have to make a call. A buddy at FDNY moonlights as a pilot for a small airport outside the city. The planes he flies are small charters, the kind that only have ten or twenty seats. People rent them for parties.”

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