Page 64 of Engulfing Emma

“Fine.Onespoonful.”

She hugs me from behind. “You’re the best.”

As we leave the house, I try not to look across the street, but my eyes betray me and I can’t stop myself from glancing in that direction. I don’t see any activity at Brett’s. The curtains are still closed. Maybe he’s sleeping in. We did stay up late last night.

“Mom?”

“Yeah, sweetie?”

“I know I talk a lot about wanting to go to Germany to find my father. But just so you know, I wouldn’t be upset if I ever had a stepdad.”

I stop walking and look at her. “What brought this on?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know. I’m going to be a teenager soon. And Mrs. Garrison says teenagers need strong femaleandmale role models in their lives.”

“Who’s Mrs. Garrison?”

“You know, Karoline’s mom.”

I start walking again so Evelyn doesn’t see how irritated I am.

“Well, Karoline’s mom needs to mind her own business. We’re doing just fine.”

She slips an arm around my elbow. “Even if we did find my father, he wouldn’t really be my dad. I don’t have any fantasies about you getting back together with him and us living happily ever after.”

“Then why do you want to find him?”

“General curiosity, I guess,” she says. “Do I have his nose? Is he left-handed? Is his second toe longer than his first? Things like that.”

We arrive at the building where her summer camp is located. I hand her the lunchbox. “You don’t have his nose, you havemynose. I’m pretty sure you already know that from the pictures you have of him. I don’t recall him being left-handed. And I’m pretty sure I never looked at his feet.”

“See? You don’t know much about him. All the more reason to find him.”

“You want to go all the way to Germany to find out if your father’s second toe is longer than his first?”

She rolls her eyes. “Among other things.”

I brush her long hair behind her ear. “Evelyn, I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed. If he wanted to be in our lives, he would be. He knows exactly where we are. I’ve lived in our house my entire life.”

“I know. I just wish you’d think about it,” she says.

“Sweetheart, I don’t fly.”

She’s disappointed. I hate when she looks like that. “There’s a first time for everything, right?”

I nudge her toward the door. “You’d better get going.”

She turns around and gives me a kiss before going in. “Love you, Mom.”

“Love you back,” I say.

On the walk home, I think of how many times she’s asked to find her father. Even if I could get on a plane, I’m not sure I would. So far I’ve been able to protect her from everything bad. Evelyn has had an ideal childhood. Right now, Stefan is just a fictional character in her head, someone who she might even believe will see her and instantly fall in love with her, like I did on the day she was born. It’s not going to happen.

I stop by the store down the street from my house and pull out my shopping list. I don’t need a basket, I can carry it all in my hands. I’m lining up at the register when someone barrels around a corner and smashes into me, breaking open the bag of flour. It explodes into the air and all over me.

“Why don’t you watch where you’re going?” the woman says, brushing off what little flour landed on her arm.

“I’m so sorry,” I say, even though the collision wasn’t my fault.

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