Page 36 of My Ex-Best Friends

“Yeah, well, at least I don’t screw a man in his medical accessory socks.”

Mom seemed to appear out of thin air. She slapped her hand down on the table and glared at her sister. “Jimmy gets restless legs!”

I tried to quietly get up and remove myself from their vicinity so I didn’t get arrested with them when they started wrestling. Mom was too quick for that, though. She turned on me immediately.

“And you! You kept poor Johnny Stolks up all night with your screaming on Colt’s boat.” I would’ve sworn she’d raised her voice on purpose. Then she thumped me on the back. “Good job, girl. You’re a screamer like your mom.”

“I’m leaving!” I stuffed my fingers in my ears and stumbled out of the booth. “I should call CPS on you. Even if I’m closer to thirty than thirteen, you should still be booked for abuse for that statement alone!”

“You!” Johnny Stolks himself was standing in front of me when I turned to leave. He had dark bags under his eyes and the little hair that he had was standing on end. He smelled like fish and saltwater and I absently wondered why Colt never smelled like fish. “You need to have sex somewhere else!”

The entire diner was watching and I knew I was bright red. I rolled my lips between my teeth and winced. I should’ve known I didn’t need to fight my own battles with my mom and aunt behind me. Before I could think of a way to apologize to the man, they were both at my side.

“You don’t tell my daughter where to have sex, Johnny! She can have sex wherever she wants. She hasn’t had good sex in a decade and it was starting to give her wrinkles!” Mom slapped me on the back hard enough to make me wheeze. “Maybe if you’d ever made a woman scream, it wouldn’t have been so shocking to you.”

Aunt Karlene high-fived Mom, their tiff behind them as they focused on a common enemy. “I rode him one night in ninety-three. It was mediocre at best.”

“I was nineteen!” Johnny turned red under his beard. “You three are demons. And I know how to make a woman scream. There’s this thing I can do with my tongue that’s called the apple pie and it makes women scream. I just didn’t know it back in ninety-three.”

“What’s the apple pie?” I asked and then immediately held up my hands. “Nope. Sorry. Forget I asked.”

“Tell me in my ear. I want to know if I know it.” Mom moved in closer and I watched in horror as chaos erupted. I’d been gone long enough that it somehow shocked me.

Johnny cupped his hands around Mom’s ear and started whispering and she let out a loud giggle and did a full body shudder. A loud shout blessedly distracted me from the shudder but when I saw who was shouting, I winced. Jimmy. He was deep red and raising his fists.

“You’re trying to steal my woman!” He came at Johnny. “Put your fists up and fight me, asshole!”

“Oh, my gosh. Don’t fight over me, guys!” Mom pushed her breasts out and climbed onto one of the booths. The people sitting at it weren’t thrilled. “But I liked the sound of that apple pie thing so I guess the winner gets to take me home and gobble me up!”

Jimmy gasped. “Daisy!”

“I see the need for EMS.” Aunt Karlene tapped her forehead even as we all watched Jimmy grab his chest and stumble into Johnny. “God, I’m good.”

“Are you kidding? I’m pretty sure someone was already dialing 911 when you said that.” I shook my head and stepped around the two men who were then hugging because Johnny couldn’t seem to get Jimmy off of him. “This place is absolutely insane.”

“It’s your family!” Several of the diners shouted in unison.

“Oh, Jimmy! Baby, I was only kidding! I only have eyes for you! Don’t die on me!” Mom put her hand over her forehead and acted like she felt faint. “Jesus, don’t take my man!”

Jimmy, having a miraculous recovery, punched Johnny in the stomach and they both went down. I saw they were rolling around on the floor, knocking over chairs and tables before I left.

30

***Logan***

The park was bright with the sun reflecting off the ocean. My sunglasses weren’t cutting it. I should’ve gone under one of the tents that Kelly and Noah had set up for Sinclair’s birthday party but I had the best vantage point for watching Brooke. I lifted my beer and took a long pull.

“Well.” Colt joined me with his own beer and I saw him swallow extra hard when he spotted Brooke. “Shit.”

I nodded. “Yep. I’ve been standing here blinding myself for the past fifteen minutes so I can watch.”

Noah spotted us and walked over. “Hey. What are you two-”

I grinned when he lost track of his words. He’d also caught sight of our roommate. She’d been summoned to the face painting tent by Sinclair and immediately put to work. The poor face painter they’d hired was standing back, eating a slice of cake, while Brooke painted face after face.

That wasn’t the good part, though. Brooke had taken off the t-shirt she’d worn over her bathing suit and her full breasts weremaking her one piece fight to contain them. She hadn’t been that big the last time she’d worn the suit, a decade earlier. Her tiny jean shorts and long, tan legs completed the fantasy.

As we watched, she threw her head back and laughed, exposing the long column of her neck. The move pushed her bathing suit even harder and I held my breath as I waited for something to pop out.

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