Page 78 of So Thrilled For You

Simmons: We’ve been going through the photos taken on the day in question, and there’s quite a few, Nicole.

Nicole: It’s a baby shower. People take photos.

Simmons: In total, going through the phones of everyone who was in attendance, over a thousand images were taken that day.

Nicole: It was the peony wall. It just brings something out in people.

***

Simmons: You took no photographs on the day in question, Lauren. There’s not one on your phone.

Lauren: I didn’t have a spare hand all day.

Simmons: Is it not strange? For a mother to not take a photo of her baby at an event like that?

Lauren: Charlotte was there. I knew she’d send on all the semi-professional shots she took.

***

Simmons: Can you tell me a bit about this fight that broke out?

Steffani: Which one?

***

Simmons: Charlotte, your phone has over 400 shots on it from the day in question.

Charlotte: It was a day for memories to be made. I wanted Nicki to have photos she could cherish forever.

Simmons: In fact, you’ve forensically documented the entire day, from Nicki’s family shots at 9am, the group shot of you and your friends in front of the balloon arch at around 10am, through the games, the meal, and the presents. There’s also photos of every attending guest in front of the wall of peonies.

Charlotte: I pay Google £5 every month for extra cloud storage.

Simmons: However, your phone records state that you stopped taking photographs right around 2pm, when these documented fights broke out.

Charlotte: Well, who wants photos of a silly falling out? That’s not one for the baby book.

Simmons: True, but, if what you’re saying is true, if you and your friends reconciled and then decided to have a miniature gender reveal, just the four of you, well, where are the photos of that? [Silence] Surely the gender reveal firework is the pièce de résistance? The ultimate content? Surely the main reason you brought the smoke grenade was to take photos of it going off?

Charlotte: I . . . we must’ve got carried away in the moment and forgot.

Simmons: Forgot? The woman with over 400 photos on her phone already?

Charlotte: I . . . we . . . it was A Moment. Everyone knows you don’t take photos when you’re having A Moment as it ruins it and pulls you all out of it.

Simmons: Well, it certainly was A Moment.

Nicki

Charlotte’s just emerged from a rose bush like some kind of horror villain and she runs towards me, her eyes wild.

‘Fuck you,’ she shouts at me, before I even have a second to compute the situation. ‘Fuck you, Nicki. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.’

The situation starts explaining itself in my shocked baby brain. Charlotte is outside. Charlotte has been listening to everything I just said about her. Charlotte’s heard me take the piss out of this huge day she’s organised for me. The baby kicks hard through my dungarees, complaining about the huge rush of adrenaline I’ve injected into their placenta.

‘Charlotte . . . I . . . I didn’t know you were out here.’ She’s storming up the gravel, almost like she’s about to attack me. Phoebe, sensing it, stands up to act as a breaker, putting her hand up.

‘Hey, come on. Calm down.’

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