Page 29 of So Thrilled For You

Right at that moment, my phone dings, and she passes it over, seeing the urgent bulge of my eyes. ‘Who is it? Is it another offer?’

I scan the email and squeal. ‘Oh my God. It’s Mountain Scape Studios! Another movie deal. What is actually going on?!’

‘Steffi! This is . . . oh my! I’m so thrilled for you! So thrilled! Do you want us to stay in the car a sec, so you can read the email and reply? Woody’s on his baby sensory crack so he’s fine.’

‘That would be amazing, do you mind?’ I’m already scanning the email. They’ve gone in big and sent through a figure. There are zeros. Lots of zeros. I’m going to have to take it to Rosa right away. This may be worth turning down Nina for. Wow. Yikes. EvenIdon’t know what to do! I’m supposed to know what to do. This is my business. I’m the expert. I’m in charge. Oh help. Help.

‘I don’t mind at all. I might just sit here and close my eyes if that’s not weird? Take a second to . . . Oh.’

We all jump as someone bangs on the car window. Charlotte’s giant pupils beam through the windscreen, her teeth glinting in the sun.

‘You’re here,’ she screams so shrilly, that Woody, predictably, I’ve learned, starts crying.

Charlotte

It’s all happening. Perfect. Perfect. Exactly how I pictured it. Exactly what the four of us need. I’d scheduled in 45 minutes for us to have a cup of tea and a catch-up and we’re right on time.

‘Woah,’ Lauren says, craning her neck around as she sips from her cup of tea. ‘I don’t know whether to be blown away by this house’s architecture, or the fact Charlotte’s managed to craft an actual piñata into a vulva. Or both.’

They all burst into hysterics while I pretend to be annoyed.

‘Personally,’ Steffi says, her iced coffee in one hand, her phone glued to the other. ‘I feel the paper-maché vulva really sets off the modern minimalism.’

‘Thank you.’

‘Did you get your class to help?’

‘Not with the vulva, no.’

‘Why not?’ Nicki asks. She’s seated lower down than us, bobbing on a yoga ball. ‘Surely we should be teaching kids the right terms for body parts?’

‘What’s inside the vulva?’ Lauren stands up to catch Woody who’s crawling into what I’ve already warned her is the‘danger zone’. I’ve put red tape up, to let mothers know which parts of the house have been baby proofed, but, sadly, Woody isn’t obeying the tape.

‘Sweets . . .’ I say slowly, waiting for the joke.

‘Well, maybe you should stuff it with blood and tampons and clots so we can be educated.’ I make a giant eww face and Lauren and the others laugh warmly at me.

‘And penises!’ Steffi adds. We all giggle childishly, apart from Nicki who rolls her eyes and says, ‘Trust you to make it about penises, Steffi.’

There’s a beat as her comment lands sourly. If either Lauren or I had said it, we all would’ve laughed, but from Nicki’s tongue, it’s as loaded as the vulva piñata. Nicki, realising this, rushes to make amends. ‘I mean, I still remember the props you brought to my hen do, that’s all,’ she adds, and Lauren and I share a look of relief.

Steffi nods and accepts the olive branch. ‘Nicki, you were all against the neon blow-up cock at first,’ she says, ‘and then, if I remember correctly, you wouldn’t let go of it all night. Didn’t you end up sleeping with it in your hotel bed like it was a teddy bear?’ We laugh harder, to overshadow the awkward.

‘It was comfier than those shit Premier Inn pillows,’ Nicki protests. ‘I only slept with it for ergonomic reasons.’

Lauren splutters at the term ‘ergonomic reasons’ and dribbles tea down her dress. Woody’s delighted at this and starts belly laughing so hard I want to film it for a viral video. His joy is so contagious and we all piss ourselves for at least five minutes, until Steffi uses the opportunity to refresh her phone and Nicki notices and rolls her eyes. Why can’t they stay in this present moment? It’s so lovely. And it’s on time! People think I can’t relax but I totally can as long as it’s in my schedule. Which it is now, so I’m not even thinking about what times the various foods need to come out of the fridge, or to check on Seth and ensure they’re running to schedule too, or worry about people arriving early . . . no. I’m allowedto go with the flow for another twelve minutes and live in this precious moment, laughing with my best friends. Scheduled fun is still fun. It took a while to convince Seth that scheduled sex was still sex, and actuallybettersex, because I wasn’t all tense and tight because the sex was getting in the way of whatever’s on my schedule. Until it got heartbreakingly painful, scheduling sex on ovulation days was, like, my most favourite foreplay ever. The timetabling! The body temperature checks! The mucus testing! There were graphs! There were best positions to try! Best times of day! God, it was great until none of it worked.

Woody crawls around, mouth wide open in genuine joy at his new playground. He stops at Nicki’s ball and tries to stand up against it. She hauls him up for a cuddle and he buries into her and her giant bump, while we all aww.

‘He’s so adorable,’ Nicki says, stroking his back. ‘I hope my baby’s as objectively cute as Woody.’

I examine myself watching my pregnant friend hold my other friend’s child, feeling only joy and serenity for them. Woody’s cute little laugh does not demolish my heart. Nicki’s bulbous figure doesn’t make me feel empty and pointless. In fact, I’m excited.

Steffi jumps up, pushing her phone into the pocket of her dress. ‘I just need to go to the loo,’ she says. ‘Umm, where is it? Is the wall made of glass there too? Will birds be able to see me wee?’

Nicki flinches a bit, defensive of her parents maybe. ‘It’s all glass, but it’s one-way in the bathrooms, I promise. It’s just through that door there.’

‘Where are your parents?’ Lauren asks, as Steffi climbs over us, taking her phone out before she reaches the door. Luckily Nicki’s facing the other way and doesn’t notice. When they arrived, Lauren whispered that something big’s going on at Steffi’s new agency but she doesn’t want it to eclipse today which I hugely appreciate. I’m super happy for Steffi but I do worry about her pinning her livelihood on an industry as mad as publishing, where nobody really understands how to make money. Honestly, whenever she and Lauren talk about it, I basically get hives.

---