Page 93 of So Thrilled For You

The ‘Blaze-ic bitches’ – who started a giant wildfire with a ‘malfunctioning gender reveal firework’ – had been taken in for questioning, facing charges of arson for either starting the fire maliciously, or recklessly. But police say they are now satisfied the blaze was an unfortunate accident.

‘We believe that the four women did everything they could to stop the fire spreading,’ Inspector Simmons said. ‘And, though it’s clearly unwise to set off a pyrotechnic device during a heatwave, they did have water on hand to try and extinguish it and did everything they could to put it out.

‘But obviously the huge devastation the fire caused will have a lasting impact on our community, and we’re warning the public to use their heads when it comes to planning events that look good on social media.’

Transcript: Inspector Simmons

interviewing Nicole Davies, Lauren Powell,

Steffani Fox, Charlotte Roth

Nicole: Is that everything, Inspector? Because I really will have to pee in your helmet soon.

Simmons: That’s everything. Your husband is waiting outside to pick you up.

Nicole: He is?

***

Lauren: Thank you, Inspector, sorry if we’ve not been more helpful.

Simmons: Are you sure there’s nothing else you want to add to your statement, Lauren? There’s nothing else you can think of?

Lauren: Yes, actually, the creche here is great. Can I only use it if I’m being accused of a crime, or, can I, like, just turn up sometimes with Woody?

***

Steffani: To be honest, I’m surprised you’ve not charged me just for not having a child. Surely that made me a key suspect?

***

Charlotte: And then we finally got to the hospital and I was rushed through, which is such a relief because thegermsin hospital waiting rooms. Honestly. I had a head-to-toe film of antibacterial hand gel over my skin, which isn’t ideal because of the alcohol content, it’s very drying, you know? Plus, I was worried it would get absorbed through my skin and impact the baby even though Seth said that wasn’t possible. Anyway, we were all rushed through, ‘cos Nicki was pregnant, and Woody was so young, and I was pregnant, which was such a weird way to tell the girls . . . definitely not what I’d imagined. I was going to do this thing, after the 12-week scan where I officially invite them to be the godparents with special boxes of gifts . . . but . . . yes . . . thankfully none of us had any lasting damage from the smoke. They put Woody on oxygen just in case, but he was fine. Then I was rushed through to my scan, and guess what! A heartbeat! Can you believe it? I was crying and Seth was crying, and then I went out and told the girls and they were all crying. It was so magical to have something good happen that day after that awful fire. I can’t believe I’m having a baby. Did you know that you need to tackle pregnancy nutrition from a three-point perspective? You need your daily nutrition needs met, whichis really hard when you have nausea and only want to eat beige food—

Simmons: Charlotte?

Charlotte: —and, ideally, you should get those vitamins made from ground-down food so you can absorb them properly. Then you need a high-quality fish oil to help the development of the nervous system—

Simmons: Charlotte?

Charlotte: —then a pro-biotic. Again, check it’s good quality. You have to ensure the good bacteria is still alive by the time it hits your digestive tract and—

Simmons: Charlotte!

Charlotte: Yes?

Simmons: You can go now. You’re free to go. Go! Please!

Epilogue

Five years later . . .

The ice sculpture glistens in the middle of the nightclub, lit by neon purple, and surrounded by people attempting to take selfies with it.

‘See,’ Charlotte says, glancing over as she takes a delicate sip of her cocktail. ‘Everyone was like,“Charlotte, we don’t need an ice-sculpture, stop being mental,”and now the whole world wants their picture taken with the stone-cold fox.’

Steffi reaches over to hug her, almost spilling her drink in the process. ‘I’m sorry. I was wrong. I was an ungrateful cow and I’m wrong. Please, always, immortalise me in ice.’ Jasper’s hand laces with hers and he tugs her back, kissing her cheek. ‘Is it weird that I sort of fancy the ice-sculpture?’

Steffi hits him while the women at the table crack up. ‘Not at all,’ says Lauren, head tilted in the accepting, adoring way women tilt their head when they reallyreallyapprove of a friend’s boyfriend. ‘I fancied Disney Robin Hood as a child, which is basically the same thing.’

---