Page 76 of So Thrilled For You

‘The baby shower. I have to—’

‘Fuck the baby shower. Why didn’t you call? Oh shit. OK. So, the car’s still being pulled out, but it’s alright. Matt’s taxi is arriving any time now. Wait outside for it and get in it once he’s out. Tell the driver to come back and get me and we can go together . . . but that will take a while . . . no. Can you drive? You could get him to pick me up but drive yourself there. Do it, Charlotte. Now.’

‘But . . .’

‘But nothing. It’s going to be alright. I’m sure. But we need to go to hospital.’

‘I don’t think I can drive.’ I stare at my hand in detached wonder, watching it shake against the gravel. I glance over at my car parked by the balloon arch. ‘And my car’s blocked in.’

‘OK. So, wait for the taxi, and come get me. I’ll google the nearest hospital.’

‘What if the driver doesn’t take us?’

‘Then get someone at the party to come.’

‘I can’t . . . Seth, it will ruin Nicki’s shower.’

‘So?’

‘The surprise is about to happen. I can’t ruin it. I can’t make today all about me.’

‘Charlotte, you’re bleeding. That’s not being selfish. You can’t help it.’

‘I’ll wait for Matt and the surprise. It’s only a few extra minutes. It will be alright.’ I look up at the clear sky and it strikes me just how blue it is. As blue as the two lines on my pregnancytest.I get why they call it Clear Blue now,I find myself thinking.Because the lines on the test are the same colour as a sunny sky . . .

‘Honey? Are you with me?’

‘I won’t ruin the baby shower,’ I tell him. This is a test from the universe. The shower is going perfectly and soon my reward will come. If I cope without ruining Nicki’s day, then I’ll hear a heartbeat at the hospital. If I make this about me then I’ll be punished.

‘Charlotte . . .’ Seth’s trying to use his calm voice but it’s shaking. ‘You know whatever is happening to you right now medically can’t be changed by magical thinking?’

‘Don’t be ridiculous. I’m not—’

‘This baby shower has nothing to do with the bleeding. Leaving early won’t change what’s happening to you biologically.’

‘We don’t know what’s going on with me biologically,’ I scream as two birds fly out of a nearby tree. ‘It’s unexplained infertility. Nobody knows why we can’t have a baby.’ I start crying then. Oh no. Please. It will ruin my make-up and then everyone will ask why I’m crying and that will ruin Nicki’s baby shower and then I won’t hear a heartbeat. ‘If the world can’t explain it – if it doesn’t make sense – then surely the only way to fix it is by something else that doesn’t make sense! If today is perfect—’

Seth yells back. ‘Charlotte, stop. Come on. Please. Don’t make any further sacrifices. This is my baby too. Promise me you’re going to be on your way to hospital in less than fifteen minutes. Either in Matt’s cab or get someone to drive you.’

I nod but I might be lying. I’m not sure yet. My stomach cramps and I drop to the gravel. ‘I’ll keep you updated,’ I say. ‘I love you.’

‘It’s all going to be OK, Charlotte.’ Seth doesn’t know that for sure. He can’t make that promise. I ring off, I sit fully down, behind a big rose bush. I decide to allow myself one strategic cry.I hug my knees to my chest and let myself get out all my emotion in one effective burst. I must stay focused, and I can’t concentrate with a wayward bottom lip. I cry more than I thought I would, making high-pitched guinea-pig noises that hurt my throat. Then I smooth down my dress and get ready to stand up. I’ll say I popped out to get something from the car and that I got really sweaty, and that’s why I’m all red and blotchy. Then, I’ll lurk by the door waiting for Matt. I might even be able to get the taxi driver to wait five minutes while we do the firework surprise, so I can ensure it goes completely to plan, before I go to hospital to be told I’m miscarrying and all hope is gone and I’ll never get to hold my own baby in my arms, even though it’s all I’ve ever wanted in life and . . . I start crying again, much harder. These big shaking silent sobs that reverberate through my whole body, like I’m shedding my skin. I tell myself only two minutes more – I need to stop falling apart. It’s hugely unhelpful. Then the front door opens and voices travel across the humid air.

‘Oh Christ it’s hot out here.’ Shit. Nicki’s voice. I duck further behind the rose bush. ‘It should be illegal to be pregnant and this hot.’

I peek out through the branches to check I’m not in eye-line. She’s settling herself down onto the front step, her giant stomach making her sit with her legs wide open. She’s with Phoebe who laughs at Nicki’s deep squat. As she sits next to her, she reaches out and strokes Nicki’s hand as she takes it, squeezing it to her chest. The sheer weirdness of it yanks me from my distress.

‘So, you did it. You’re having a baby.’

Nicki puts their entwined hands to her face and kisses them. ‘I am. I hope it’s OK. My friend, Lauren, is freaking me out a bit today.’

‘She’s great. I was just chatting to her.’

‘She’s not. Well, she’s great, but today, if you knew her, she’s not herself.’ Nicki lets go and leans up to bake her face in the sun. ‘This is the first time I’ve seen her in months and she’s . . .

different. She’s so . . . frumpy, for one thing. I’m not judging, but if you’d known her before, you’d be shocked.’

‘It will all be worth it, I’m sure. That’s what mothers tell everyone anyway. That’s what you’ll tell yourself.’

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