Page 42 of So Thrilled For You

The tiny breeze has died down, stopping the gentle thwacking sound of the paper maché vulva hitting the glass. The air’s so still I can now hear the party through the glass. I check my phone once more and feel both elated and disappointed I’m on Inbox Zero. No new offers in yet. God, I’m just as bad as Rosa. Yesterday I was desperate just to get this book published with enough commission to pay myself at the end of the month. Now I’m pissed off I’ve not been offered a million pounds in the last fifteen minutes.

I use the tree to yank myself up, the bark rough under my hands, and I climb the steps back onto the decking. Just as I’m taking a deep breath to prepare for re-entry, Lauren and Nicki’s voices float through the open kitchen window, carrying on the still air.

‘Thanks for taking him while I went to the loo,’ Lauren says. ‘Has he been OK?’

I hear the chuckle of a Woody being passed back to his mother.

‘He’s been a delight. You’re so lucky.’

‘Ha. Well, yes. He’s lovely sometimes. Are you enjoying your baby shower?’

Nicki pauses before replying. You can build that woman a vulva (including a clitoris) out of tissue paper, and she still won’t be fully satisfied. ‘Yeah,’ she says, before pausing. ‘It’s, Charlotte . . . you know. But bless her.’

I’m not sure why I’m staying here, lurking and listening. I dust off my legs to stand up and let myself in, when.

‘. . . at least Charlotte gives a shit,’ Nicki continues. ‘Unlikesomeone. . . Tell me Lauren, where the hell is Steffi?’

I lower myself down at the mention of my name and put my back against the wall, my heart surging.

A babble from Woody. ‘Shh, shh. Steffi?’ Lauren asks. ‘What do you mean?’

‘I’ve hardly seen her since she arrived. Is she ill or something? She’s spent most of the time in the toilet.’

I roll my eyes. Nicki acts like she hardy registers me but I know I’m always being carefully monitored.

‘. . . and when she’s not hiding in the toilet, she’s on her phone. Are we boring her or something?’

It’s so jarring to hear Nicki discuss me in this bitchy, straight-forward way. It’s so different from her usual fake politeness. This voice is natural and unguarded, revealing she’s spoken about me using this tone before. I await Lauren’s response, my heart racing.

‘She’s got this big work thing going on,’ Lauren replies diplomatically, and I let go of my tight breath as she defends me. ‘She feels terrible about the timing but it’s all blown up today.’

‘Blown up? Wow. Are things going badly with her agency or something?’

Does Nicki sound excited at the thought of my failure? I pull my knees up and keep listening – weirdly intrigued to hear more of this authentic Nicki, even if she’s being a dick about me.

‘The opposite. She’s got some really exciting emails about the book she’s launching Foxxy with.’

‘If it’s good news, surely it can wait til Monday?’ Nicki says. ‘I mean, God forbid she celebrates someone choosing to get pregnant and have a child. Did you see that article she posted a link to the other day?’

I wait for Lauren to defend me again. In fact, I’m almost looking forward to it. Instead, there’s a pause. ‘You saw it too?’ She gulps.

‘Fucking outrageous. Posting that when she knows I’m pregnant. It’s a dig, surely it is?’

My mouth drops open and I clutch my knees closer, waiting for Lauren to defend me again.

Instead, I get, ‘It did really upset me,’ Lauren admits. ‘When I read it, I basically went down a rage spiral.’

I almost gasp and give myself away. A red butterfly flutters past and lands on the hot decking for a moment, and I stare at it to try and steady myself.

‘It upset you too?’ There’s excitement in Nicki’s voice at this chink in friendship armour. ‘I was so pissed off. I tried to talk to Charlotte about it earlier but she was determined we all play happy families today.’

‘I just . . . don’t understand why she felt the need to post that,’ Lauren says – her voice reluctant but saying it anyway. ‘Like, OK, read it, secretly agree with it. But to share it online, as such a public endorsement of such a hateful, selfish, way of seeing mothers? Like . . . I dunno . . . shh, Woody. Yes, we’re going to sleep soon. I guess Steffi wants us to know how it feels to be on her side maybe?’

Nicki scoffs. ‘Nobodycares about her side, that’s the thing. It’s a made-up fucking problem from someone who has nothing better to do but make up problems. Nobodycaresthat you’ve chosen not to have kids, Steffi. Sorry to burst your bubble, but nobody is thinking about you that much.’

I wait for Lauren’s defence. I pray for Lauren’s defence. My entire sanity depends on her defence. ‘Exactly,’ she replies, and my stomach hurts instantly and I blink at the butterfly.

‘I’ve got bigger things to ponder on than,“Ooh, I wonder why Steff doesn’t want to have kids?”It’s like, fucking veganism, isn’t it?’ Nicki lets out a sharp laugh. ‘How can you tell if someone’s a vegan? You don’t have to, they’ll tell you themselves. It’s the same with all these child-free people.

---