Page 21 of So Thrilled For You

‘It wasn’t tactful, no,’ I say breezily.

‘I just don’t see the fuss about the whole child-free thing,’ Nicki begins. ‘Like, nobody is thinking about her that much. It’s just not A Thing.’

I raise both eyebrows and determinedly pick up another goody bag. ‘She told me she’s got you a super nice present today,’ I say. ‘She’s really chuffed with herself.’

‘Oh . . .’

‘And I think she has a hard time dating and not wanting kids. I don’t think men are very kind to her about it.’

In fact, I know they’re not. Steffi may game face around Nicki, but not me. She has rung me crying many times, asking to come stay for the weekend. I always quite like it when Steffi gets dumped. Obviously, I want her to find her penguin, but I also really enjoy sleeping in my granny annexe with her, watching Disney films, and giving each other manicures.

‘Oh . . . that’s shit.’

It’s certainly time to change the subject and I break into a smile. ‘I’m so excited for us all to be together again. It’s been too long. I can’t wait to see Woody! Isn’t it crazy he’s going to be in the same year at school as your baby? What if they fall in love?

I visibly watch Nicki take the hint. She smiles and follows my lead. ‘It’s mad isn’t it? Oh my God, a Little Women wedding. Can you imagine? I wish I knew what it was going to be.’

I push her playfully on the shoulder. ‘I thought you wanted a surprise?’

Nicki rubs her stomach. ‘I know. I’m an idiot. I made such a big thing of it but now I’m too proud to tell Matt I’ve changed my mind.’

We laugh, then stop as it makes us too hot. Only two bags left. I sprinkle them with goodies and pass them on. My armpits are starting to smell already. I’ve been too scared to wear any deodorant in case it causes miscarriage. There’s no evidence from anywhere that’s even a thing, but I’m getting thisvibefrom my Dove stick, and won’t apply it. ‘Not long to wait now at least.’ I poke Nicki’s tummy, feigning ignorance about today’s masterplan.

‘I guess. Only a month more to wait.’ She sprinkles the last of the confetti. ‘Voila! Oh, I can’t wait to see Woody and Lauren and everyone. It’s been so long. Thanks so much, Charlotte.’

‘I told you, today’s going to be SO GREAT.’

If I say it enough, it will manifest. If I believe it enough, it will come true. ‘Right, these are all done,’ I say, collecting the bags up. ‘You should take some Me Time before the others get here. Your mum and I can set everything else up.’

Nicki stretches and yawns, her top riding up so I get another peek of weird alien skin. ‘You know what? I will nap. The baby woke me at five. Thanks again Charlotte, for everything.’

‘It’s going to be perfect.’

‘So you keep saying.’

She staggers out holding her lower back. I watch as she pauses in front of the air con unit, blasting her stomach with it, then she picks up a handful of crisps from a bowl on the main table and waddles up towards the bedrooms.

‘Nicki! Wait!’ I hold up her baby bump mask. ‘You forgot this!’

When the door closes behind her to keep the cool air in, I check the spreadsheet. I’d scheduled five minutes downtime after Nicki went for her rest, so I could rest myself. Seth’s obsessed with me resting since we found out. But, ticking off my to-do list is more restful than sitting down and now is my only chance to set up the surprise. I get my handbag from where I tucked it next to the front door, and I carefully lift out the smoke grenade. I twist the device around in my palm, smiling as I imagine the joy it’s going to cause. Right. Let me read the instructions again.

‘Take off cap, pull ring pull, point away from body and face . . .’

Right, safety first. Especially with this tinderbox of conditions outside. I rummage in a cupboard til I find a mop bucket, then I fill it with water and drag it towards the sliding doors. The heat has intensified in the short time I’ve been inside. I’ve already cancelled the egg and spoon race sadly, which happily buys me twenty extra minutes. It’s peaceful to be away from the roar of the air con, and I stand and appreciate all the nature sounds fora moment. The chorus of birdsong and rustle of leaves in the soft breeze. In the distance, the low drone of a neighbouring lawnmower drifts over. Maybe, once the baby comes, we should move to the countryside? If the baby comes . . .

I scan the decking to figure out where best to plant the smoke grenade. I rang Matt yesterday to finalise the plan and he’s going to hide under the decking until he hears me call attention to the vagina piñata outside the window. Then Matt will tug the grenade, release the coloured smoke, and then step through it, holding his sign saying ‘It’s A Girl!’ I worried that Nicki will be so surprised her waters will break, but I googled it and that’s apparently an urban myth.

‘I’m so excited it’s a girl,’ Matt said. ‘A really little woman to join your club.’

I actually cannot wait for today. The stars are aligned. Mercury isn’t in retrograde. Good karma is sprinkling itself onto us like confetti.

Right, if I wedge the firework here, between the decking, with only the top out – people won’t notice it, will they? I carefully take the top off – it’s like peeling back a cylinder can of sardines. All Matt has to do is tug the ring pull. There. Done. I scan around and drag over a plant pot of summer pansies, arranging it slightly in front so the cylinder doesn’t show. I take a quick photo and ping it off to Matt, with ten firework emojis and ten heart-eyes emojis.

And finally, safety first.I put the mop bucket at the bottom of the steps in case anything goes wrong. But it won’t. It can’t. The universe and I forbid it.

Evidence item no. 9

Attached photograph shows four of the suspects, posing under a balloon arch outside Vista Cottage. Data from the smartphone indicates it was taken at precisely 9:37am, almost four hours before the fire broke out. All suspects are smiling.

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