Page 1 of So Thrilled For You

Prologue

The flames take the vulva piñata immediately. The crepe paper ripples in the magenta smoke, the sweets inside popping like corn kernels as they explode inside their wiry cage. The piñata falls onto the decking, and there’s a moment of stillness in me. The first time I’ve felt calm in so long, as I take in the view, thinking,Wow, I’ve never seen pink smoke before.

Soon the flames will claim the pile of duck-patterned wrapping paper, gorge on the coarse wool of the hand-knitted blankets and turn the fallen wall of peonies into a sweet, toxic, perfume.

I can tell already that everything is lost.

My life has already burned down metaphorically, so it makes sense I’ve now burned it down literally too. All I wanted to do was torch it all until there was nothing left but sooty soil, rich with nutrients to grow something new. But I never thought I’d actually do it . . .

I watch the smoke plume out of the canon, dancing as it eclipses the vista and spirals around in the heat, juxtaposed against the bluest sky. The fire around it ignites instantly, the smoke doubling, trebling, as flames catch and dance in the kindling.

The heat slaps my face and wakes me up.

I hear myself screaming at what I’ve done.

And I run towards the heat.

BABY SHOWER STUNT IGNITES

WILDFIRE INFERNO

A wildfire started by a gender reveal firework has torn through 35 acres of land in Surrey, destroying local wildlife, and causing millions of pounds worth of damage.

The‘smoke-generating pyrotechnic device’was set off during a baby shower celebration during the hottest summer on record and quickly started the inferno. The blaze burned down the rural residence then raged across the parched countryside, incinerating a further two properties. Firefighters battled the flames for seven hours before it was extinguished.

The police have taken in key witnesses for questioning to determine who is responsible for setting off the smoke grenade. [click to read more]

Story has been shared 45,872 times

GodAsMyWitness1974 has shared this story

The‘smoke-generating pyrotechnic device’reveals the parents to be narcissistic, idiotic, cunts

BoomerAndProud3543024 has shared this story

Millennial parents: ‘My baby can only wear organic bamboo and second-hand clothes because of climate change’

Also millennial parents: ‘BURN DOWN THE WORLD FOR CONTENT’

ArthurJJdd has shared this story

This is why some people shouldn’t be allowed to breed. Castrate everyone who has ever posted a pic of AvoOnToast

FinnJK32d5rd has shared this story

I know this isn’t the point, but, aren’t gender reveal parties and baby showers supposed to be separate events? Why did they combine the two?

GodAsMyWitness1974 replied to this comment:

LOL. They could’ve got DOUBLE the content for socials. Amateurs.

AVoiceOfReason has shared this story

Everyone is ripping the piss about this, but can I point out three families have lost their homes and everything in them? Not also forgetting the huge destruction of local wildlife.

DontKnwAbtUImFeeling22 replied to this comment:

BORING!

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