Page 43 of Keeping Sarah

I couldn’t explain everything I had meant when I said I wanted to go home. So I answered his question, instead. “No. I meant what I said. I don’t want her to see me like this. She is a world-class worrier, Deacon. And given her circumstances, I don’t think it’s fair to do to her.”

He nodded. “Very well, then. Let us go home.” He extended his hand, and I took it, before we walked outside.

I was surprised to see Jac’s ship there, not Deacon’s. “We tookSovereign? NotAllegiant?”

“I did not wish to disturb those convalescing in my ship.”

“Right, right.” Made sense. “How are they all?”

“Last I heard, much better.” He cast a smile my way. “Ode thinks Mock will be able to walk at his union to Silence tomorrow."

I was gutted by the thought of anyone being injured on my behalf. “I am so sorry this happened.”

We boarded the ship and he got us into the air. The suns had set while we were in the temple.

After we were on course to Halla, he turned toward me. “We are all sorry this happened, Consort. But it is not our faults. There is one at fault for all of this, and we will deal with him in due time.”

Of course he was referring to Rex. I nodded and stared at the horizon, while the colors painted the sky. I didn’t want to talk or think or feel anything else. I was so wrung out by everythingthat had transpired the past few days. Every flashing light on the dashboard ate at my brain. The sounds of the ship were a punishment. Even the gentle movements of Deacon’s expert flying seemed like a shattering of my bones.

I swallowed hard and found my voice. “I’m going to lay down until we get back.”

He gave me a gentle smile I did not deserve. “As you wish.”

I left for Jac’s quarters and though it was far smaller than Deacon’s onAllegiant, I didn’t care. Little more than a tiny room with a bunk by comparison, I tucked in under the covers and dozed off. But my dreams were really just soaring thoughts. More noise.

When we arrived back home, I was grateful no one tried to speak to me until I was in my cottage. Deacon had gestured for them to leave me be. As soon as I opened the door, Jac looked at me with expectant eyes, but he said nothing. I brushed past him and went to the bed.

Deacon softly asked from the doorway, “Do you want company?”

I nodded and my companions joined me, but neither of them crowded or snuggled. It was like they knew to give me my space, and I was grateful.

At first.

After laying there for an hour unable to fall asleep, I needed to get up. Ladrian body heat was profoundly warmer than humans, and I was melting between them.

No, not melting. Not really. But I feel gross. What is it?

Dirty. I feel dirty.

Maybe a shower would help?

I crept to the bathroom and cranked the shower head on the coldest setting. But I kept feeling the water for the temperature and even though I had melted between Jac and Deacon, I couldn’t stand it. Cold water would never clean the filth off ofme. I turned it fully in the other direction and found what I needed.

The steamy water cascaded down my skin, too electric. Instead of soothing my body, it woke me up. My mind raced. How could I explain to my companions that something inside of me had been left broken by Rex? And it wasn’t even broken by him, not really. It had been broken by my companions.

When they stole me away from my world.

I loved them more than anything, but I could not change the fact that when they had abducted me, a part of me was left on Earth. Coming to Halla was not my choice. Initially, staying on Halla was not my choice, either. Back then, I had wanted to go back to Earth. Even now, when I told Deacon I wanted to go home, I had meantEarth. Not to stay, but to visit.

There was no way to say that without upsetting my companions. So, I tried to keep it to myself. When Rex was with me, I felt…so many things. But the most important one of all was that I hadn’t felt alone anymore.

I felt fuller. Completed.

When he left my body, it was as though that broken part of me that I had worked so hard to ignore became undeniable. Like the difference between seeing a room with a flashlight and seeing a room with all the lights on. His absence flicked the lights on, and I didn’t know how to turn them off again. For that matter, I didn’t know if I should.

And if I told either Jac or Deacon any of that…I didn’t know if there was a way to come back from it. How could I explain that it wasn’t because I hadRexas a passenger? It was thatIhad a passenger. Who the passenger was did not seem to matter.

But is that entirely true?

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