Page 117 of Hawthorne

“Because even when I have you, I don’t. Not really.” I laugh bitterly. “You’re never going to bemine. There’s no future for us, and these stolen moments will all quickly become nostalgic, sad memories. The mere thought of a future where you won’t be present pains me. Yet, here I am, continuously basking in something that has an expiry date, hoping that tomorrow is not the day that reality comes to bite us in our arses.”

“Camilla…”

“And when that happens, I’ll be miserable and alone, once again.”

I already am.

“Fuck, darling.” He sighs, grabbing my hand and pulling me to him.

“Vincent, I don’t want to talk about this. We chose this path. We chose the hardest way. And we’ll deal with the consequences when they come, I am just afraid. I–” I cut myself off before I can blurt it out.

I love you.

“You, what?” he questions, tilting my head up to look at him.

“Nothing.”

Vincent curses under his breath, with his head falling backwards. A clear sign of exasperation.

When he straightens up and looks back at me, his eyes are blazing. “Fucking talk to me,” he orders loudly. “It’s agonisingto see you struggle so much. I feel powerless. Let me do something!”

His voice tone has gone up quite a few notches, and I can see his skin reddening from how affected he is getting. His insistence on getting me to share whatever it is that’s bothering me is also getting me worked up.

What right does he have to demand whatever it is?

He doesn’t, and it angers me.

“I said no!” Ripping myself from his arms, I walk away, bringing some distance between us. “Look, I know that as a duke you’re not used to being denied what you want, but there are boundaries. And you’re not respecting mine.”

“Boundaries?” He is the one laughing bitterly now. “We’ve gone past those a long time ago!” With wide and unwavering steps, he reaches me again, reaching for me. “Talk to me!”

“Why would I?” I blow up, tired of his insistence. “You’re a duke, and I am a maid.We’re fucking. That’s all. I owe you no intimacy, or whatever it is you’re looking for!”

He takes two staggering steps backwards, as if I just slapped him, making me regret the words the moment they’re out. But his temper brings one out of me, too. And I won’t back down now. It’s better to keep him at arm’s length than to let him in.

“That was the deal. As soon as you get a blue-blooded fiancé, I’ll be in your past and locked out, far away from your life. Let’s not dig a bigger hole for ourselves, yeah?”

“What?” he asks weakly. “Is that all you think you mean to me? A fuck to enjoy and throw away the next morning? Did these last six months show you nothing at all? I told you I’d find a way.”

“A way?” I snort, incredulous. “Would you choose me against all odds? Against the whole world, no matter the consequences?” His mouth opens to answer, and I cut him off before he can, “Actually, don’t even answer that. I would never ask for such sacrifices from you.”

No one has ever made sacrifices that big.

Look at me! No one has ever sacrificed anything for me.

My parents kept me their dirty secret for decades, not bothering to suffer the consequences of their forbidden love. Aunt Lizzie was in on everything since the beginning, allowing them to play house right under her nose and pretending to love me just to keep it buried and under her control.

Why wouldhechoose me when no one else ever did?

“And why wouldn’t you? Do you think I care what everyone else thinks? I’d throw it all away for all I care!"

I stop in my tracks, facing him completely with wide eyes. “What?”

Reaching for me again, he cups my face, “Have you not realised it yet?”

I shake my head, unwilling to assume I’m wrong.

Our gazes are locked and our breaths mix with the proximity. They’re ragged and shallow, especially his. Like he’s preparing to say something, and I am not sure who is more afraid of it, him or me

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