Page 58 of Back to Willow

“What happened?”

For a second, I hesitate but I feel like I’m going to burst into a thousand pieces at any moment. I might as well talk about it to someone. Who better than my only brother? He is the only one that, without knowing it all, has the understanding to some extent of what happened.

“I saw Liam,” I admit.

“What? How?”

“He works here apparently? I’m not sure. He was on a date at my workplace. It’s safe to say it hasn’t gone well,” I sigh, feeling defeated. “This is a mess. He hates me, Jay. It’s one thing to imagine the consequences of your actions, but it’s so damn different to experience them. To feel the extent of the damage I caused, it’s so much bigger than I anticipated.”

“Lo, I know, rationally, you could have gone about everything in a better way…but—” He stops himself by taking a deep breath. The following words come out laced with pain, one I never thought my brother had experienced. “I saw what it did to you, too. From the outside, I saw you being torn to pieces, an empty shell of the happy, shy, little girl you were. Don’t fool yourself into thinking it was—or is—your fault. Out of all of us, you were the one who was hurt and wronged the most. In the midst of all of that pain, you made the best out of it. As well as you could.”

My heart swells in appreciation, and my eyes water. This man—my older brother—is the only constant in my life.

He was there when I got home that night. It was the last thing I wanted—for someone to see me like that, but he did. Dishevelled hair, puffy face, and ripped clothes. Right away, he knew something was wrong. But nothing prepared him for my reaction to his touch. The shrilling sound that flew out of my throat was otherworldly, and any other day, I would have cared how horrified my brother looked. But at that moment? All I could think about was getting rid of that moment. Ofhistouch.

From there on out, he knew not to get too close, not to touch me. For a long while, I couldn’t stand it. Even now, I still have trouble with it, especially if it’s unexpected.

Jake spent the night on my bedroom floor, against the door, with the light on, one of his desperate attempts to make me feel safe. He woke me up from every single nightmare, and every time my eyes shot open, I was met with his tear-flooded cheeks and reddened eyes.

With all of the pain that was around me besides my own—how much my parents struggled to accept or understand—I felt like I was making everyone’s life a living hell.

In these situations, it’s easy to forget who the true victim was.Me. And despite this being hard for him as well, Jake never once let me forget that. It makes me wish I could speak about it properly and tell him everything. The two people who deserve to know everything are Jake and Liam.

“Has he met Dylan?” Jake’s voice breaks me away from my thoughts.

“God, no,” I exclaim. “Things are bad as it is. It would be disastrous, Jay.” My voice cracks as the words leave my mouth. Trying to keep my emotions at bay, I take a deep breath.

“Lo, you’ll have to tell him everything at some point,” he warns. “If you live in the same city, it’s only a matter of time until he runs into you with Dylan.” His voice comes out cautious, knowing how sensitive this subject is to me is moulding his words.

I don’t think I can do it, though. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with how things turned out. Opening the wound will be excruciating…

“I’ll think about it,” I say, not committing.

Jake keeps silent, his signature way of telling me he disapproves of the situation. He has always been a “head-on” type of guy, liking to face things properly and solve them as fast as possible, but I’m not like that. I’m not him.

And while some would call me a pushover, I don’t care. Confrontation terrifies me to the point I become a nervous mess. So, the solution is avoiding them.

“I have to go back to work, Jay. I’ll call you in a few days, yeah?”

“Call me, sis. You know I’m here for whatever you need.”

His words make me smile. I know he is.

Until I left to live with Nana, he was always there, despite everything I threw his way. For a whole month, he became more than my own parents and those times werehard. Touching was a hard no, and while I could see in his eyes how much it pained him to not be able to comfort me, he managed.

He was ever present at arm’s length. Jake endured my hours-long cries, outbursts, nightmares, apathy and lack of hygiene. Even when everything I wanted was for it all to stop. To disappear. To die…he never left.

The first step was forcing me to get out of bed. Then to eat, and finally to shower. And even if I wasn’t really speaking, he did. Telling me about his days and avoiding the subjects he knew I wouldn’t touch, doing his best to make me feel normal again.

When we said our goodbyes before moving away, I managed to bear a kiss on the forehead without freaking out.

And one thing is for sure, Jacob Hanlon is the most dedicated man you’ll find. For five whole years, he travelled almost two hours every weekend to visit. That man never missed an important day either. And with time, as the pregnancy evolved, it got easier because I had better things to focus on.

His constant presence eased the pain, too. And as if knowing it, Dylan always got calmer with him around. Whether still inside my belly and relaxing when his uncle touched my belly, or after he was born, having crying fits that would only stop with his favourite uncle’s rocking.

It was a long and slow process, and I bet with my whole heart that my brother is not even aware of how much he has done for me. How much he helped me improve and heal.

After saying my goodbyes, I go back inside. Shilah’s busy so I just jump on the first things I see that need my attention. People come in and out faster than I can keep up with.

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