Page 32 of Back to Willow

It woke up feelings that had been dormant inside my heart. The dam broke, and all of it has been overflowing out of me ever since.

Love. Pain. Guilt. Regret.

“Hey, Willow. How are you doing?” Abby’s mum greets me by the school’s entrance, interrupting my self-wallowing.

At the end of the afternoon, we both wait outside for our kids to be back in our arms.

“Hi. Everything’s alright,” I lie. “And you guys?”

“We’re fine. But you look upset. Are you sure you’re okay?” she insists, concern lacing her eyes.

“Yeah, just tired, you know. With work, school, and Dylan, my days can be pretty draining.” I give her a tight-lipped smile to try and ease her worry.

Since we moved here, she has never been a noisy neighbour, but since Dylan and Abby are so incredibly close, we’ve come to know each other more and more.

“If you say so…” She smiles back. “Look, here they come!”

Abby immediately runs to her mum, hugging her. Dylan walks a little bit behind, with slow-paced steps and slumped shoulders. The fact he is not running either, eager to go home—even if he now thinks he is too old and too cool to hug me—has me frowning. As soon as he reaches me and keeps still, quiet, and looking down at his feet, I crouch down to his height and poke his cheek.

“What’s wrong, baby?” He just glances at me for a second, shrugging his shoulders and looking away.

“Nothing,” he mumbles.

There’s something wrongalright,but I won’t make him talk in front of other people.

“Let’s go home, then,” I say, pretending I let it go. “Nana is waiting for us for the afternoon snack.”

His eyes sparkle a little at the mention of food, but instead of hugging me, he directly heads to my car. I glance at Nina, and she’s still watching me with concern in her eyes again, as well as Abby. With an awkward smile, I say my goodbyes and hold his hand, not letting him cross the road by himself.

When we reach the car, I open the door for him and let him hop in. After having him buckle up properly, I close his door and round the car to the other door. For the first couple of minutes, he’s silent. It’s really getting to me now because if there is one thing my son isn’t, it’s silent.

“Dylan, remember how Mummy always tells you to voice what you’re feeling? What’s wrong, baby?”

I’m watching him through the rear-view mirror, and he has his arms crossed over his chest with his serious expression looking out the window. At the sound of my voice, his eyes flicker to me before he gazes outside again.

Sighing, I patiently wait for his stubbornness to give in. Forcing would only make him uncomfortable and I want him to know he can talk to me about anything.

“Why don’t I have a dad?” he asks out of the blue.

I freeze. It’s the one subject I have dreaded talking to him about my entire life, and it has come sooner than I’d ever expected. With a gulp, I think about what to answer because this is not the kind of subject I can give him the wrong information about.

“Why do you ask that, baby?” I try hesitantly.

He huffs.

“We had to talk about family today at school,” he starts slowly. “I was the only one who didn’t have a dad to talk about. Someone asked me why I didn’t have a proper family, and…” His voice trembles, and he clamps his mouth shut.

Looking through the mirror, I see his eyes watering, and it feels as if a sword has just pierced through my chest. There’s no worse pain than this one, that’s for sure.

“Who did you talk about?” I ask, trying to lighten the mood.

“You, Nana, and Uncle Jake,” he mumbles.

“Isn’t that your family?”

“Yes, but they meant my dad. Even Abby has her dad! Then Brody laughed at me, saying I didn’t have a family.” With a shaky voice and watering eyes, I try to keep myself together because it’s only making me want to throw driving to hell and just hold him.

“Well, that’s not true,” I sigh. “Families are complex and different, baby. Some families have a mum and dad, others only have the mum or only the dad, some have two mums or two dads, others even have none, just other family members taking care of them,” I explain, noticing he’s focused on me now. “You know that we can’t control what happens around us, and sometimes we can’t prevent the fact that someone who should be in our lives isn’t.”

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