Page 97 of The Grief We Hold

31

WRAITH

Iwind my truck past the hardware store and Raven’s apartment the following day. It grates on my nerves that she and Fen are tucked up in there after I dropped them at home this morning so Fen could go to kindergarten.

But I had a thought this afternoon while showering after getting the blood test I owed Raven, that she was probably right to make me bring them back. Because, while my home felt complete with the two of them in it, this feels too precious to rush it.

I park the truck near the curb and reluctantly climb out of it.

This isn’t going to go well, however I preface it. I take the steps up the back of the building to the apartment Ma lives in and knock on the door.

When she opens it, I don’t get my usual greeting.

“Axel.”

“Ma. You wanna do this on the stoop where everyone can hear our business, or are you going to let me step inside?”

Ma moves to one side to let me pass. Her place is small but spotlessly clean. She moved in after Two Bit died; Smoke bought their old place for the land.

There’s a gun on the counter next to the door. The safety’s off. Best remember that. There’s a sliver of me that feels bad that she’s scared to live here after what happened at the diner.

“Should I pretend I’m here for small talk or get straight to it?” I ask.

There is none of Ma’s usual hospitality. Coffee. Food. Instead, she stands by the door to the apartment with her arms folded. “How could you?”

“How could I what, Ma? You’re the one going around threatening women to make them stay away from me.”

Her eyes narrow. “You’re Hallie’s husband.”

Usually, I’d flinch at that, but something about baring my soul to Raven over the last twelve hours has produced some much-needed perspective. It feels easier to admit what I need to say next.

“I was, Ma. And I was a fucking good one. Loyal. Protective. A provider. We had a good life, a happy one, and now she’s gone.”

Ma shakes her head. “She’d be so hurt seeing you move on so quickly.”

In the past, barbs like that would have sliced me in two. “Low blows aren’t gonna work. She’d hate that we were both miserable without her. And it’s not quick. I’ve mourned her for two full years. It’s time I moved on with the rest of my life.”

Ma steps towards me and almost snarls. “And what? We all pretend like Hallie didn’t exist? You and Raven come eat at my diner and I have to serve the two of you like there’s nothing wrong with my son-in-law sitting there with another girl?”

“I’m not erasing Hallie or Lottie. They existed and were my world. I’ll always remember them. I’ve talked with Raven at length about them.” Raven asked about Lottie while we drank our coffee this morning. It felt good to show Raven her nursery and the little baptism gown that hung in the closet.Overwhelmed as I stroked the soft fabric, Raven hugged me tightly.

“It’s not the same though,” Ma says.

“I know, Ma. But I’ve been beyond supportive and reasonable with you. I bailed you out when you needed it. I bring my club, my custom here every day and pay, even though I own the majority stake in the place. So yeah. If Raven and I come in to eat, you’ll fucking serve us.”

Tears sting Ma’s eyes.

And that’s another thing.

Maybe I should just call herMargiefrom now on.

“You’re being disrespectful,” she says.

“And you’re expecting me to give up onmylife to keep the memory of Hallie’s alive for you. I want more kids. Am I not supposed to have any now because they’re not Hallie’s? Am I supposed to live the rest of my life on my own because I had one shot at happiness and that’s all I’m entitled to? I’m not wrong for wanting to try and find it again with someone else. Because Hallie sure as fuck isn’t coming back.”

By the last line, I’m shouting, my voice echoing off the tiled kitchen walls.

“Well, I don’t approve. I expected better of you.”

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