Page 112 of The Grief We Hold

“Just ride the damn thing.”

“Rather you were riding me, but here we go.”

I’ve never been into a place of worship. Always figured the Lord’s work, or whoever the fuck is in charge, was bestappreciated in the majesty of the outdoors. The vastness of plains and mountains and the changing of the seasons.

But Raven on my bike feels spiritual. And I can tell the moment she starts to enjoy it.

She leans when I lean. She shifts from holding on like she’s gonna fall off any minute to relaxing her grip around me.

I do as I promised. I go slow. I see the world at her pace, not mine.

Grudge pulls up alongside, salutes, then pulls away, and I even manage to resist the urge to chase him.

Maybe slower is better. On a day like this, I’d rather be going this speed with Raven riding backpack than chasing Grudge down the road without her.

When I pull up at the club, she climbs off the bike, clumsily tugs the helmet off her head, and then tips her head back and laughs.

Yanking my helmet over my head, I take her in. “Jesus, you’re beautiful, Blue.”

“That was so much fun.” Then she leans forward and puts her lips close to my ear. “You know the honesty thing?”

I glance at her; her lips are so close to my cheek that they brush it. “Yeah.”

“The vibration of the bike was…nice.”

I slide my palm back beneath her dress like I did earlier and squeeze her butt cheek. “Nice?”

She bites down on her lower lip. “Verynice. Like, take me on a ride somewhere and then…you know.”

“Give a man a heart attack, why don’t you?” I say, taking her hand and placing her palm on my chest so she can feel how it’s racing. “Get back on the bike. I know a place we can go.”

She steps away from me. “You promised me a picnic.”

“Fuck the picnic. I want to ride now.” I reach for her, and she jumps back.

She turns and heads to the clubhouse. “Are you going to make me find my own hot dog and beer?” she asks.

I like her like this.

I like that there’s a separation between Fen’s mom and being her own person. I want a family, but I also want to be in a couple. Both can exist.

“What if I promise you a hot dog and beer when I’ve finished with you?” My voice carries across the lot.

“Let the woman get some food,” Catfish yells.

“Shut up. Trying to get her to go for a different kinda ride, first.”

“I’ll go for a ride with you.” Isla’s appearance is jarring. Can’t explain why, because she’s a nice girl. Usually friendly.

I tip my chin in Raven’s direction. “Only one girl I want to go riding with these days.” I kick my leg over the bike. “Right, Blue?”

Isla steps closer to me. So close that she’s between Raven and I. Uninvited, she fingers the edge of my cut. “Come on. I haven’t been out with one of you guys all winter. And you only give me one kind of ride.”

I know the salacious tone. It usually works. “Step away, Isla.”

Instead, she tightens her grip and steps up onto her toes, so I shove her away. She stumbles backward in her heeled booties.

As she does, Raven steps between Isla and me, looking up at me. “She’s in the past, right? Not someone I need to worry about?”

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