Page 90 of The Grief We Hold

“Just say it.”

“If we’re to make a go of this, would it be okay to…? I don’t know…maybe…I feel a bit intimidated by all of Hallie and Lottie’s things. I’m not saying you shouldn’t keep them or have some of them out where you can see them. But it’s hard to not compare myself to her. Maybe I shouldn’t feel so insecure, but it’s hard to live up to someone who was so meaningful to you that you mourned her for so long.”

Using her hair to pull her to me, I kiss her gently. “I think it’s probably time I made some adjustments. Not just for you, but for me. I’ve been clinging to a lot of stuff, this house included. Think it might be time to let it go.”

She cups my cheeks. “In your own time, Axel. Don’t feel like you need to do it right away. You had a beautiful family.”

I like the way my name rolls off her lips.

I stand with her in my arms, then lower her feet to the floor. “I’ll do it this week. I’m ready to face the future if it includes you.”

This time when we kiss, I can feel our conversation is done. The energy around the two of us is clearer. More vibrant.

Optimistic.

Haven’t felt that way for a really long time.

“Let me go get started,” she says finally.

When I reach the den with the large TV, I see Fen sitting on the edge of the seat, his eyes glued to the screen.

“You doing okay, Fen?”

He grins as he turns to face me. “I love cartoons.”

“Wanna switch it off and come down to the pond with me, see if we can’t find some frogs?”

The speed at which the kid is out of his seat shocks me. “Yes!”

I reach for the remote and turn off the television. It’s weird to think that for the last two years, I assumed I’d never be anyone else’s father other than Lottie’s. But doing this with Fen feels right.

When we get outside, he takes my hand. His is small in mine, and a fierce protectiveness washes over me.

“You doing okay, kid?” I ask.

He skips as we walk toward the pond. If I stay in this house, I’ll need to fence it off to make sure Fen doesn’t fall in when we’re not around. The thought is accompanied by the realization that for the first time ever, I feel okay about letting the house go.

“I’m fine,” Fen replies. “But I think some ice cream might make me finer.”

I chuckle at that. “Not sure I have any ice cream, but I promise I’ll fix that for the next time you stay. I do have cake though.”

“Yes!” Fen exclaims. “Your house is the best place for a sleepover. Do you like sleepovers?”

I think about the night I stayed in their tiny apartment above the hardware store. “Yeah, Fen. I like them.”

He tugs on my hand, and I stop to look at him. “Do you think I’m weird?”

“No more weird than I am. Why?”

Fen shrugs. “Dad used to say I was a weird kid.”

I crouch down so I’m eye level with him. “You know what, Fen. I don’t know your dad, but I don’t think he was a nice person. I think you’re clever and ask really imaginative questions. I think it’s great you love nature, and I can’t wait to teach you how to fish and ride horses. Do you think I’d do any of that if I thought you were weird?”

He shakes his head. “Can you teach me how to fight?”

The question catches me off guard. “Why do you want to learn how to fight, kid?”

He looks towards the house. “So, I can protect Momma like you can.”

---