Page 77 of The Grief We Hold

“Don’t need anything else?” He glances in the general direction of Main Street. “Some of the prospects have grabbed the supplies to board up Margie’s place, but it’s still a crime scene for now.”

“Thanks for taking care of that so I could…” I glance up the stairs, unable to quite put together the sentence that describes taking care of Raven and Fen.

“I got it. Go put some clothes on that puny fucking chest of yours.”

I huff a laugh. “Fuck off. Will always be wider than yours.”

I don’t wait for him to get back on his bike before I close the door.

The rest of the evening goes relatively smoothly.

I dress.

Raven makes a dinner out of the takeout Smoke brought.

The three of us sit at the table and eat it, Raven and I occasionally staring at each other with a desire that threatens to combust.

And when bedtime rolls around, I read to Fen because the kid looks at me so earnestly when he asks me to that I can’t say no. And I remember the feeling of wholeness that comes with a kid’s heat on you or next to you while you both look at a book.

Lottie never interrupted with little babbles as many times as Fen asks questions, but I don’t mind.

I lead Raven to the recliner, and I sit first before pulling Raven onto my lap.

“What a day,” I say, wrapping my arms around her. Some of my wounds burn as I hold her, but I don’t tell Raven that. “You doing okay, Blue?”

She settles against me, snuggling in until we’re as close as two people can get without fucking. “I’m tired, but we need to talk.”

When she tries to shift position so she can see me better, I place my palm on the side of her head and encourage her to stay where she is.

“We do. But not now. Not tonight.”

She sighs, and we sit in silence. I close my eyes and listen to her breathing as it slows. The house creaks around us. Old pipes, loose siding, and who knows what else. I think about my own home, and how truly silent it is at night.

And how I hate being there, yet I’ve been unable to move. Every time I step into the hallway, I’m reminded of what happened.

Here, there are no ghosts creeping in.

When Fen wakes up with a nightmare an hour later, Raven jolts awake.

“Oh my gosh. I’m sorry. I fell asleep on you,” she says. One side of her hair is adorably mushed against the side of her face. She glances in the direction of Fen’s cries, and I help her to her feet.

She hurries to him, and I watch as she pulls him to her, offering comfort and sweet words. His little brow is all sweaty, and I feel for the kid. Watching the two of them together brings me a peace I can’t describe.

Once he’s settled, she comes out to see me and reaches for my hand. Her eyes are red and filled with unspilled tears. “I’m gonna join him in bed to make sure he’s okay as he falls back to sleep.”

But there’s a waver in her voice. She’s being brave for her son.

“Who’s gonna make sure you’re okay, Blue?”

She swallows deeply. “You?”

I’m gonna work to take away the uncertainty she has that turns the one word into a complete question. But for now, I stand and lead her into the bedroom.

She climbs into bed, while I shuck my jeans and hoodie but leave my T-shirt and boxer briefs on.

And then I climb in behind her, holding the two of them safe in my arms, my mind rolling around the thought I couldn’t quite finish when talking to Smoke.

That I’m here to take care of my family.

---