Page 116 of The Grief We Hold

“What’s happening to me?” I ask.

“We’ll talk in a minute. Just…get your breath. Close your eyes. I’ve got you. Won’t let anything happen to you. You were just so brave and so raw and so honest. I’m so proud of you.”

Suddenly, I remember Nola and Smoke and try to look over his shoulder, but Wraith puts his hand on the side of my head and cradles me close to his chest. A move so tender, tears threaten again.

“They’ve gone,” he says. “It’s just you and me. Breathe, love.”

Love.

I do as he says and drift off to sleep.

When I wake, Wraith has his head back against the tree trunk, eyes closed. But when I try to move, he tightens his hold.

“Welcome back,” he says.

“You must be uncomfortable,” I say.

He smiles, then lets out a breath. “Not even close.”

“I’m sorry I fell apart like that.” Heat so intense that it must surely color my cheeks, burns through me. “I don’t know what just happened.”

Wraith runs a knuckle down my cheek and along my jaw. “What happened was so fucking special, Blue. It was so primal and raw and real that we both just dropped into a space where everything was intense. You couldn’t have been any more perfect. Tell me how you feel about it.”

I think about the question, and it’s hard to formulate an answer. “I feel so peaceful right now. Like I took a twelve-hour nap. It’s almost like a fever dream. I’m a little embarrassed that I watched your friend, and yet I don’t think I could have moved. And it was heady, how much you wanted me. I felt worshipped and safe, yet dirty and defiled, and I have no clue how to reconcile the two.”

He presses his lips to the top of my head. “I love how you’ve tried to be honest with me at every turn. I feel fucking honored it’s me you’re saying this to. I found it hot that you watched, hot to play with your body while you experienced that. Primal play is something I really enjoy. It’s not something everyone does.” Tenderly, he begins to put me back together, repositioning my bra before he fastens it, sliding my panties back up my legs, zipping my dress.

When he’s done, he kisses my lips gently.

I feel the need to ask one question. “You wouldn’t ever want to…share?”

Wraith shakes his head. “Never. That wouldn’t work for me. Don’t ever want another person to touch this body, and the only hands I want on mine are yours. I love you, and you alone, Raven. I didn’t think it was possible, but you’ve glued my heart together. Will you be my old lady?”

I nod, my heart equally full. “I love you too. And yes, I’d be honored.”

37

RAVEN

“Remember when you threw up here?” Fen asks as we walk home from the last day of kindergarten for the summer, six days later.

All that awful rain and vomit is a distant memory. The sky is bluer. The sun a little more prominent.

“I do. Not my proudest moment.”

Fen laughs. “It looked so wild. It sort of fell out of your throat.”

“Yeah, well. It was gross. What did you do at kindergarten today?”

He skips, and I walk fast to keep up with him. “We read a book about a spider and a pig. And we did some number things. And I drew a picture for Axel. And we played some games.”

“That’s sounds like a good day. And I’m sure Axel will love your picture.” I think about the one he drew of me puking that still occupies fridge space in Axel’s kitchen. “What did you draw?”

“The horse from the sleepover. But I couldn’t color it brown because the brown crayon was too stumpy, so I used black. Can we see him today so I can give it to him?”

“I’m not sure what his plans are for tonight.” He usually finds his way back to us or asks Fen and me to go see him at his place, but he’s been busy with club business. We reached a compromise on what he tells me. I know where he is most of the time. I even know what he’s doing some of the time. Even if it’s illegal.

But I never know if anyone is killed.

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