Page 90 of Come Break My Heart Again

18

Tuck casts me a concerned look as I climb into the cab of his truck. Reese is slouched between us, fiddling with the radio between bites of a Pop-Tart.

I’m well aware I look like shit. My concentration at the garage was shot after Elle left last night. I basically just sat there for another hour before biking home to stare at my bedroom ceiling all night.

I fucked up with Elle. Again. Left her with the laughable impression she’s not the one girl I want because I’m scared to admit that to her.

Getting what I want is a foreign concept to me. It’s fucking ironic, me telling Elle to make her own decisions when I don’t do the same. My entire life has been determined by other people’s choices. My mom, shipping me to Florida. My dad, shipping me back to Fernwood. My brother, creating messes he knows I’ll clean up. Even Tuck, getting me the gig at his uncle’s garage. Playing football would have been an irresponsible decision. But I wouldn’t have hated it being an option.

Ellewasn’t supposed to be an option. I assumed I’d come back to her hating me and dating someone else. I didn’t even let myself consider an alternative, and it’s scary to now.

I know my leaving hurt her. But it hurtmeto leave her. And we might be in the same place again right now, but that’ll change again soon. She’ll leave for college, and I won’t.

Staying away seems like the smart move.

But then I think about the look on her face last night when she left. The raw pain she tried so hard to hide.

I’ve already hurt her again, without meaning to.

“You wanna talk about it?” Tuck asks me.

Reese’s head whips in his direction, then mine. “Talk about what?”

“Pretty sure James is having girl trouble.”

“Really? Don’t take advice from Tuck then.”

I glance at Reese in time to catch the teasing look she tosses Tuck’s way. He rolls his eyes as he turns off the trailer park’s dirt road onto the paved street.

“It’s nothing,” I say.

“No, tell me,” Reese replies. “I give great advice.”

I was wrong about the pond, I guess. There’s no trace of jealousy or annoyance on Reese’s face. Her coldness toward Elle must have been about Elle alone. Reese has always taken a harsher stance when it comes to Fernwood’s wealthier residents. To be fair, girls tend to be more vicious. Aside from Hathaway, who likes to antagonize me, most of the guys just ignore me unless we’re in gym class and they want me on their team. The high school I went to in Jacksonville had a hierarchy too. It was just less obviously centered around money.

“It’s nothing,” I repeat. “I just … I messed up.”

“Then, apologize,” Reese says simply.

I exhale, tapping my fingers against the door. “It’s not that easy.”

“It’s a start. And better than doing nothing, which I’m betting was your plan.”

I don’t answer because she’s right about that being my plan and right that it’s a shitty one.

I have apologized to Elle. I keep apologizing to Elle.

We’re past the point where that’s enough. I’m not sure it ever was.

Reese sighs, then looks to Tuck. “Back me up here.”

Tuck brakes at one of Fernwood’s few stoplights, then glances at me. “We’re talking about Elle, right?”

I nod, keeping my eyes straight ahead.

“Ryder.” Reese groans my name. “Seriously? Every guy at school has a crush on her. She doesn’t care about you. She’s just sick of dates at the country club and cars that cost more than your trailer.”

“You don’t know her, remember?”

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