Page 191 of Come Break My Heart Again

As soon as the elevator starts to descend, I slump against the wall and pull the clip out of my hair. I wish I had time to go home and change, but I don’t. We’re driving to the Cape to spread Nina’s ashes with Cormac, then driving back to Fernwood to have dinner with my parents. I’m guessing we’ll spend the night at the trailer rather than drive back to Boston.

My mom was insistent about doing dinner on this date, for some reason, and Cormac picked up Nina’s ashes from thefuneral home yesterday. She died a week ago. Back in February, she’d had to be hospitalized for a few days, but she was able to pass away in her own bed, at home with her boys, the way she’d wanted.

I got to say goodbye to her. She got to see me and Ryder together.

Those are the things I’ve tried to cling to since we lost her.

Ryder leans over to kiss me as soon as I climb into the car, but he doesn’t say much as we drive through the city and merge onto the highway.

“Work go okay?”

“Yeah. I saw Prescott actually.”

“Oh, yeah? He good?”

There’s no trace of jealousy in Ryder’s voice, and I’m not expecting to hear it.

“He seemed it.”

“Good.” Ryder pulls his phone out of his jacket pocket and hands it to me. “Can you text Cormac, let him know that we’ll be there in about an hour? I forgot to before we left.”

“Yeah, of course.”

I message Cormac, then relax against the seat to look out the window for the rest of the drive.

Cormac is there, waiting, when Ryder pulls off into the gravel parking lot that only contains two other cars. This is a public beach, but it’s the beginning of April. No tourists around yet.

Cormac hugs his brother, then me.

“How are you?” I ask, squeezing his arm.

He offers me a sad smile. “I’m okay. Good moments and bad moments, you know?”

I nod. I do know.

“Brynn still coming to visit next month?”

“Yeah. She wanted to come this week, but I told her not to. I just need some time, you know?”

Again, I nod. “Time helps. Not a lot, but it does.”

“Anyway …” Cormac reaches into his car and returns holding a plastic bag filled with what looks like gray grit. “They gave me a cardboard box, too, but that didn’t seem necessary. Lady definitely judged me for not buying an urn, but I didn’t know what we’d do with it … after.” He glances at Ryder. “Figured you wouldn’t want it.”

Ryder half smiles. “You figured right.”

We walk across the sand in a single line, not stopping until we reach the water’s edge. It’scold, wind whipping my hair around and making my eyes water. I should have worn a warmer coat.

Cormac goes first, grabbing a large handful of Nina’s ashes and tossing them toward the waves. “Bye, Mom.”

I go next. Before I reach into the bag, I grab the jasmine leaves out of my pocket. I stuffed them in there this morning. I toss the handful of tea toward the water, the wind picking up most of it and carrying it to the destination. Then, I reach into the ashes and fling them toward the sea too.

“Goodbye, Nina,” I whisper. “Thank you. For Ryder, for being there, for everything.”

Ryder goes last, scooping up the rest of the ashes. It’s strange, how a whole person can be decimated to so little.

“I hope you are watching, Mom,” he says. “I hope you’ll be there, like you promised.”

The last of Nina’s remains disappear beneath a whitecap.

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