Page 67 of Merry Little Midlife Matchmaker

Every year,I told myself I’d be a better planner so the holidays would go off without a hitch. And every year, the last few days before Christmas ended up being a mad panic of last-minute shopping, buying and prepping way too much food, unexpected school or work commitments, and one too many events.

I got to sit down for what felt like the first time in days when the lights went down on the school stage and Hazel’s play started. I’ll be honest, I zoned out for most of it. My eyelids had little weights attached to them, and I kept having to blink my eyes open. It wasn’t until the candy canes came out to do their dance that I perked up, smiling at the beaming happiness on my daughter’s face.

The thought that she’d choreographed and pitched the dance to the teacher made it all the sweeter. I couldn’t wait to see what she accomplished as she grew up.

The kids got a standing ovation, of course. Zach clapped to one side of me, and June and Isaac on the other. We waited for Hazel to come out once the play was over, and I didn’t even mind the stilted conversation with my ex-husband and his wife.

“Good job, kiddo,” Isaac told Hazel when she bounced up to us with red glitter all over her face.

“Did you see me? Did you see the dance?”

“Got it all on video,” Isaac confirmed, nodding at June.

I smiled as Hazel beamed. She wrapped her arms around me while her brother whacked her on the back. I nodded at my ex.

“I’ll drop them off tomorrow after school,” I said, and even managed a smile.

“Can’t wait,” June replied, and Isaac put his arm around her.

For once, I didn’t feel the bitterness of being alone in the face of their companionship. I’d never been jealous of June—I didn’t want Isaac back—but I’d always felt like the odd one out. This time, as we parted ways, I felt a little taller than I had before.

I wasn’t the invisible mother and maid toiling away behind the scenes. I had something to look forward to. And, after Sean had left on Sunday morning, I’d actually gotten my camera out of its case and charged the battery. There were old photos on the SD card that I’d forgotten about, and I’d made plans to go for a walk along the coast while the kids were at their dad’s to take some photos. Maybe Sean would join me. Maybe I could try to capture that light in his eyes when he laughed, the crinkles around his mouth.

For the first time in years, I was making plans for myself. And yes, that time could be spent doing chores or prepping meals or completing one of the million tasks that always landed on my plate. But I wasn’t going to let myself miss another well-deserved bubble bath.

I’d earned some time for myself. And if Sean wanted to spend some of that time with me, then all the better.

As the kids walked ahead of me toward our car and I watched Hazel skip beside Zach’s steadier pace, I realized with a start that they were growing up. Neither of them believed in Santa Claus anymore. The past eleven years had gone by in a flash, and in even less time, Zach would be off to college or trade school or whatever he decided to do. Hazel wouldn’t be too far behind.

Where would that leave me? I couldn’t keep letting myself be shoved into the role of mother and nothing more. I was a woman. I was an amateur photographer. I was a trashy reality TV show aficionado. I could be all those things and still take care of my kids and my home and my life.

Maybe, I could one day be a wife and partner. A lover.

Glancing in the rearview mirror to make sure the kids’ seatbelts were on, I let a smile curl my lips. I felt ready for change, and I knew that Sean’s attention was a big part of it. He’d seen parts of me that I’d hidden even from myself.

And I couldn’t wait to show him just how much I appreciated it.

My heart skipped a beat when I drove up to our house and saw Sean’s truck idling next to the curb. He and Mikey got out as we pulled into the driveway.

“Hope you don’t mind us dropping by,” he said. “Mikey’s off with his mom tomorrow, and he wanted to stop by before he left.”

Mikey smiled as he lifted his hands, bearing a gift in each. He gave one to Zach and the other to Hazel. “We went shopping this weekend. I wrapped them myself.”

Hazel hopped on the spot with excitement. “Can we open them, Mom?”

“Come inside,” I said. “Don’t you want Mikey to have something to open too?”

Zach smiled and ran ahead with Mikey, whose eyes began to sparkle. I herded them all inside as Sean took up the rear, and the kids tromped off to the living room where Mikey’s present had been stashed under the tree. Zach had picked it himself, a complicated robotic thingamajig that he promised Mikey would love.

“Stay for dinner?” I asked. “I was thinking takeout.” I cringed slightly and felt the need to explain. “I’ve been prepping for Christmas dinner all week. Don’t feel like cooking tonight.”

Sean’s smile was soft. “Sounds perfect,” he said, and I believed him. It was such a small thing for him to genuinely not mind that I wasn’t cooking, but it still resonated through me like the tolling of a big bell. My ex-husband had always given me the sense that I should be feeding the kids home-cooked meals all the time. He’d cluck disapprovingly whenever I said I was too tired to cook, but never once did he volunteer to get in the kitchen himself.

As Sean moved closer to me, I wondered how many of these moments would happen as we kept spending more time together. How often would I realize that my needs had been cast aside for the sake of my ex’s ego, or his unrealistic standards, or his own needs? How deep had my self-sacrificing streak burrowed into me, to the point that a rare takeout meal set me on edge?

It felt like a part of me was unfurling. It wasn’t just my interests and hobbies that were poking their heads above ground for the first time in years, it was the part of me that said,I’m tired, and I need a break. The part of me that was so used to being ignored and dismissed.

Sean glanced down the hall, then lifted his hand to stroke my cheek and press a soft kiss to my lips.

---