Page 32 of Merry Little Midlife Matchmaker

“Do I think what?”

Mikey brought his knees up and rested his cheek on them, eyes shining in the dark as he looked at me. “Do you think we could spend Christmas together next year?”

Guilt churned my stomach to a froth. I swallowed thickly and put my arm around Mikey’s shoulders, pulling him in for a hug. “Your mom gets Christmases, kiddo.”

“I know.” He sounded sad. “I just thought it would be nice. Maybe we could visit Aaron and Lizzie and everyone. When I’m with Mom, there’s no one else around.”

Kids had a special kind of skill for finding weakness and stabbing you there, then casually twisting the knife. I kissed the top of his head. “We’ll see,” I said, cursing myself for promising Melody every Christmas.

Then again, the closer we got to the holiday, the more vivid my memories would become. I knew from experience that things only got worse from here. Setting up a tree in my living room was one thing, especially when I got to distract myself with my son’s smiles and Lizzie’s presence. Actually putting on a happy face for longer than an hour or two was another story.

Soon, when holiday music played everywhere and red, green, and gold tinsel decorated the whole town, it would be harder to ignore memories of my father’s angry drinking. My mother’s body wasting away. And the final, horrible Christmas when I found out about Melody’s betrayal.

I’d need to retreat somewhere safe and isolated. I knew it, because it happened every year.

I asked Mikey about school and listened as he told me about his classmates, his teacher, and the new friends he’d made. When he got drowsy, I carried him to his room like I used to do when he was half the size he was now. He curled into his pillow and was asleep before I straightened up.

Watching the rise and fall of his chest for a few moments, I wondered how many of my decisions had been mistakes. Should I have forgiven Melody? Should I have fought harder to make things work between us? Should I have moved here earlier? Should I have found someone else to act as a mother figure to Mikey? Should I have worked shorter hours to spend more time with him years ago, and dealt with the financial pressure that would follow?

Just like every other time doubts swarmed me as a parent, I had no answers. I brushed my hand over my son’s shoulder and left his room on soft feet.

The next day,when I asked Aaron about finding a babysitter for my date on Saturday, his response should have been predictable.

“Just ask Lizzie,” he said, the sound of the TV blaring in the background of the call. “She’ll be happy to help.”

“She’s done so much for me already,” I said, “I don’t want to bother her.”

“She loves it,” Aaron said. “Really. It’s no problem. She basically lives and breathes kids twenty-four-seven. You want me to ask her?”

“No, it’s fine,” I said.

“Who’s this chick she set you up with?”

“Coworker of hers, I think.”

“She hot?”

I sipped the coffee I’d just picked up from Four Cups on my way to work and shrugged, even though Aaron wouldn’t be able to see the movement. “Sure,” I replied.

“You don’t sound convinced.”

“Haven’t been on a date in a while.”

Aaron laughed. “Me neither. You’ll be fine.”

I got in my truck and set my coffee in the cupholder, huffing. “We’ll see.”

“I’ll talk to Lizzie for you, tell her you need her to watch Mikey.”

I opened my mouth to protest, then sighed. “It’s fine. I’ll call her.”

“Suit yourself.”

We hung up, and I made my way to work. If I didn’t call Lizzie right away, it was because I was focused on the job—and on making a good impression with Grant. It wasn’t because I was avoiding her or because there was something weird about lusting after her last night, then asking her to watch my kid while I went on a date a few days later.

Maybe I could cancel the date altogether. It was already turning out to be more hassle than it was worth.

So, by the time school pick-up rolled around, I still hadn’t made the call. I pulled up outside the school and found Lizzie standing in a clump of other mothers, their breaths puffing white in a cloud above them. As soon as I got out of the car, half of them turned to look.

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