Page 19 of Quasim: King Inferno

I wanted my own kind of love that was special and reserved for just me withmyperson. I’ve spent all of my life chasing that kind of love and I have never been able to catch it. Each time I thought I did; it was nothing but a façade that quickly fell apart right before my eyes.

Love was my only goal here. Despite being burned in the love department, I had so much love to give someone. I had given mylove to the wrong person, and I didn’t want to make that mistake again.

I wanted to give love and receive the same kind of love that I knew I could give to someone. I’ve filled so many cups in the past while mine remained empty. As much as I was in love with Quasim, I wasn’t going to wait for him.

I wasn’t going to give love only to be ghosted in the end. My heart couldn’t take that, and I refused to follow the same path I had in the past, ignoring the red flags because I just wanted to be loved.

Everyone was enjoying the block party and checking out the races. I went and sat over by the benches near the beach that the block party was always held on. It was a dead end with houses on one side, and a beach on the other side. Everyone was watching the bikes, so I slipped away to sit near the beach and watch the water.

Water was the one thing that always calmed me. I didn’t have to be near a beach to be calmed, either. Water from a faucet, the rain, or even the sound of the water while in the tub – all those things soothed my soul.

Being on that yacht for two weeks was the most incredible time for me because I got to sleep on my favorite thing; water. I was able to jump into the ocean every morning, even with Quasim being nervous.

He knew I liked to watch the sun come up and was up at five in the morning with me every day. I would hear his little knock on my room door, and he would be standing there, yawning and ready to watch me jump into the ocean.

I didn’t envision his feelings for me. They were there and his actions told me that he cared about me. Maybe he wasn’t as intense as me and all in love, however, there were feelings there. I didn’t imagine any of that.

Hell, I did have the habit of being delusional and seeing things that weren’t really there. Like Tyshawn and his love for me. There was never any love shared between me and Tyshawn, and I should have known it the minute he put his hands on me.

Like the delulu girly that I often was, I had convinced myself that he loved me when that was the furthest thing from the truth. Tyshawn never loved me, and it was so vivid that I felt stupid when I sat and thought about it too long. There was only one person that Tyshawn loved more than himself, and that was heroin.

The day I walked in on him shooting up inside his room should have been the last straw for me. I should have ran that day and never looked back.

I never did.

With growth, you learned that you weren’t innocent in some of the situations that you were put into. I learned that I was to blame for a lot of what happened to me when I was with Tyshawn. As much as he was toxic and was bad for me, I was also toxic, too.

Instead of leaving people where they had done me wrong, and had me fucked up, I stayed and tried to save them. I tried to save them while I was the one being pulled under and drowning. When I saw that Tyshawn had a habit, I should have gotten away and moved on with my life.

He was so fucking good at manipulating me and getting me to see things his way. It could be painted right there in front of me, wrapped with my name in big bold letters, and he would get me to see the complete opposite and feel bad for him.

When he chased me outside with his arm exposed, I studied the man in front of me. How could I have missed something as big as him being addicted to drugs. Tyshawn loved to do a little coke or smoke weed when he was partying, however, that was asfar as it went with him. I had never seen him do anything other than roll some weed around me.

He held his arms out, his voice shaky and desperation within his pupils as he stared at me. He stared at me as his voice cracked, telling me that he needed me. Nobody ever needed Blair, I was the one who always needed someone and here this man was, telling me that he couldn’t do it without me.

I should have ran.

There were a lot of things that I should have done when I was with Tyshawn. So much could have changed. My life would have been different today, had I stood strong and left when I should have.

“Why you all the way over here, Anjo?”

My head slowly turned from the view that I had gotten lost in and turned to see Quasim sitting on the back of the bench with a plate of food. I had been so lost in my own head that I didn’t feel the bench move once.

“Life… done with your conversation?”

“I put enough food on here for you, too,” he looked at me, ignoring my question, which I knew he would.

“Not hungry.”

After getting in my head, I was no longer in the mood to give him energy about his little friend.

“Come here.”

We were sitting on the same bench, but I was on one end while he was sitting up on the other end. “Why?”

He raised his brow as he ate some pasta salad. “Cause I want you right next to me.”

“Quasim, please.”

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