Page 32 of Knot Just for Show

I wait, ready for him to be the first rejection.

“Actually, before I get into that stuff—” he changes gears somewhat jarringly, barreling down another track of thought entirely. “Can you tell me what about me, and my prospective packmates too—can you tell me what makes you interested in exchanging scent cards with me–er, us?”

I’m taken aback, but I do my best to answer his question without violating the delicate rule structure ofBuild-A-Pack-Blind.

“Well, I guess I’ll start with you—and for the other guys…I won’t use names, obviously, but I can still give you the general idea of how I’m feeling. Is that cool?”

There’s less silence this time before Ash responds,

“Yeah, yeah, that’s totally cool.”

I take a deep breath to steady myself and push on.

“I liked talking with you yesterday, especially about music.” I do my best not to worry at my bottom lip with my teeth—theteensy split I put in my lip during my conversation with Ronan still seeping blood through my protective minty chapstick. “I can tell by the way that you carried yourself through our discussion about my failed music career that you’re not some kind of tacky show-off or letchy impresario.” My words become more steady as I go, the genuine feeling bolstering them with their strength. “I won’t lie… As soon as I got back to my room last night, I realized I didn’t even askwhichinstruments you actually play, but I already started thinking about playing music together—nothing like, professionally. I’m not trying to mooch off of your career or anything, but like—playing together for the sake of our own enjoyment.”

I take a breath—allowing the words I’ve just vomited at Ash to actually land.

“It’s going to make me sound like a showoff asshole now if I say that I can play almost anything,” Ash laughs again, his apprehension easing. “But, I kinda love that honestly. I wanna play music with you too, Ursula—I wanna hear you really belt it with that voice, I can tell that you can!”

I laugh, because my father is the same way—a few afternoons with just about any instrument and he’s proficient—even if he only has true mastery of a few; piano, violin, classical guitar.

“Nah, I know the ridiculously prodigious type. I can believe it—but I hope you’re not getting your hopes up for some kind of legendary vocalist when all you’re going to get is me.”

“Easy, don’t disappoint me then!” he shoots back, giving me the courage to keep on track.

“Ok, fine! I’ll do my best not to let you down,” I pledge, steeling myself before the next part.

“As for the other guys…well, I already told this to one of them, I care about the happiness of my whole pack. Whoever that’s going to end up being.” I close my eyes and do my best to steady my breathing. “I’m a little bit of a special case, because… Well,the truth is that I’ve never actually gone through a heat before.” My voice cracks on the word ‘before’ so that ‘be’ and ‘fore’ are entirely different pitches.

“What!?” Ash can’t contain his surprise—interjecting with obvious concern.

I cover my face with my hands—adrenaline spiking as I wait for his response.

“I mean, I’m sorry—I think I might have misheard you.” He clears his throat before clarifying, “Did you just say you’venevergone through a heat before?”

I’m contemplating just running from the bubble, straight down the hall to my bedroom–and locking myself in the bathroom to have a good hysterical cry where the camera crews can’t see me, when I hear Ash’s voice again–more quiet, more reserved once more.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to freak out—like I’m not being one of those guys who is a virgin-fetishizer or whatever.”

“I’m not a virgin!” I chime in—quick to make sure he’s not getting the wrong idea.

“Yes—no, I mean—that’s not what I meant!” Ash fumbles with his words, desperate to make me understand. “I didn’t mean likevirgin,virgin—I just mean like…” he trails off, the dirty details scattering to the winds of the unsaid.

“I’ve never taken a knot, no,” I say, instantly mortified. “Nor have I made a nest,” I move on quickly in order to spare my smarting pride. “Because of that, I’ve been sensitive to selecting different prospective pack members who I think would mesh well—exploring our different levels of intimacy with one-another.”

My words hang in the air, another gulf of silence extending—though this time I’m more sure that it’s merely Ash processing all the information I’ve just dumped on him rather than him preparing to make tracks.

“Ahem, uh–I , I didn’t mean to…what I’m trying to say is, erm; I’m sorry if I came off as being like, sexually aggressive or anything. I’m not trying to be a creep, I just was surprised that’s all.” I can hear the gulp before he speaks again. “Do you like…expectallyour packmates to…be intimate with each other?” he quickly adds, “Or is it like—just that some dudes might uh, be into that kind of thing but some of us are…not so much?”

“Oh god, no—no I don’t expect anything out of any of you! I just, I mean—I want everyone to be happy with whatever works for them, and I just wanna make sure it’s clear to all of you that I’m down for…well,whatever…” I trail off bashfully.

“Cool, cool, cool,” Ash rushes to fill the quiet space. “That’s sick, I just—I mean, I just wanted to check to make sure.” He lets out another nervous squeak that may have been meant to sound like a laugh, but it hasn’t really measured up.

“So…does that clear things up for you? Because I can—” I offer, but before I can finish, Ash is already running his mouth a mile a minute.

“Oh! Nah-nah-nah, you covered it pretty crystal clear honestly, and to be totally full disclosure on my end…I’m all the way down to exchange scent cards with you and the guys.”

I pump my fist into the air in silent victory.

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