Page 30 of Knot Just for Show

“Yeah, I did about as much socializing in a single day as I usually do in about three or four months yesterday,” I laugh, picking at little bits of fuzz on my blanket anxiously, trying to ignore the mechanical whirring sounds of the automated cameras moving and focusing their lenses on me as I sweat how I’m going to bring up the topics of scent cards and interpack relationships.

“It’s kind of wild to think about, but some of us will be like—getting loaded into a plane and going on some island holiday in a few weeks,” Ronan laughs, a creeping silence filling the space after the dregs of his laugh fade.

“Yeah, about that.” I squirm anxiously on the loveseat—thankful that Ronan can’t see me perched on the edge of the cushion like some sort of nervous bird.

“I know that we got straight to the trauma dumping yesterday,” I continue, trying to keep my tone light, to retain that ease and intimacy of the day before. “But we didn’t really talk about any of thefunstuff.”

“The ‘fun’ stuff, huh? Such as?” Ronan immediately takes the bait, the intrigue readily apparent in his bouncy tone.

“Well, I guess the first order of business would be to establish that you are interested in exchanging scent cards tonight,” I float the idea casually, as if I’m not literally holding my breath, waiting for his response.

“I would be more than a little interested,” Ronan confirms almost instantly.

Good, no hesitation.

“I didn’t want to be presumptuous, but after our little heart to heart yesterday, I have to admit that I feel closer to you than almost any of the others I’ve been dating.” My blush is so furious I can feel the heat rising off my face. Again, I’m thankful Ronan can’t actually see me as I’m doing my absolute best to ‘play it cool’.

“I feel the same. I think that opening up so much so quickly really freaked a lot of my dates out,” he laughs before pressing on. “So…scent cards were the first order of business. I’m down to exchange. Obviously, that won’t happen till later… So what’s the second order of business?”

I ball my hands into fists and sit on them to keep myself from chewing on my nails and cuticles on camera—even though every one of my self-soothing instincts is screaming at me to do something to relieve my jangling nerves.

“There’s the small matter ofinterpack relations.” The best I can do for now is to clear my throat.

I can hear his laugh—that soft wind-through-golden-barley rasp before he speaks.

“What about them?” he teases.

“Well, perhaps I jumped the gun a bit here–” I flounder, realizing how heavy handed I am approaching the conversation, without the ability to hit any kind of ‘reset’ button.

“Oh?” he chuckles again, the warm rasp somehow soothing my nerves even though I’m preparing to spiral.

“I mean, it seemed totally gross to like—open the topic with invasive and specific questions about your sexuality especially after what you told me about your past yesterday…but I guess that’s kind of what I’ve ended up doing anyway,” I groan, chewing anxiously on my bottom lip until it begins to seep coppery blood into my mouth.

“No, no—not at all. I think the only way you can ask casually without making it a big deal is to talk about ‘pack dynamics’ in general,” Ronan assures me. “If you had opened with, ‘So, your dad kicked you out for being bi–does that mean you are cool with fucking other members of our pack?’ I would not have been into it, that’s for sure,” he laughs.

“Yeah, no—I hate it when I tell people that I’m pansexual, most dudes respond with requests for threesomes with other women without hesitation. Ew.” I shudder.

“Exactly! You didn’t give off that vibe at all,” Ronan laughs, and I sit in wait—allowing him to direct the conversation.

“That being said, I don’t think that I could handle being in a pack where I would be expected to keep my hands off of all my other packmates besides my omega,” Ronan’s voice takes on a low thrum. While I can’t scent him in this ‘bubble’, I could swear I feel the faintest reach of his aura—calm but powerful, seeping through the walls.

“Oh.” My stomach tightens and I press my legs together. “Well, alright—that’s pretty definitive—and more than ok with me.” I can tell my laugh is a little breathier than usual, but I am hoping Ronan doesn’t notice.

“It’s nice to be on the same page there,” he purrs appreciatively, emboldening me to jump in with both feet.

“Speaking of being on the same page,” I begin, taking a deep breath before barreling on, “while I am hardly a virgin, I…have never actually gone through a heat before. If I end up forming apack here, it will be my first time.” I manage to choke out—my throat dry as dust.

There is a poignant beat of silence before Ronan asks “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude but–do you mean you’venevergone through a heat before? Not alone, not in a center with non-partner-helpers, but just…not atall?”

I can feel the panic sweat beading beneath my bangs and over my top lip as I unscrew the cap of my canteen and slug down a few gulps of water in an attempt to quench my dry mouth and throat.

“Never.” I clear my throat again before clarifying, “I know that going through a heat alone can really fuck an omega up, but I didn’t have any serious partners or pack—and while going to a center and…getting through with professionalhelpdidn’t really appeal to me,” I trail off before jumping back in to add, “Not that I have any kind of judgements about anyone who would—or anyone who works as a heat helper! I just, I don’t know, I didn't ever feel like it was for me.” I’m on the edge of tears now, my voice wavering with a pending sob-fest.

“Wow, I guess I had been told so many times howunhealthyit supposedly was to suppress an omega’s heat for too long–” he begins but I cut him off.

“It isn’t good for my health, physical or mental,” I admit, my voice dripping with shame. “I’ve been trying to outrun that truth for a long time, but recently it’s been catching up to me…it’s the biggest reason I’m here,” I sniffle, tears spilling down my face.

“Bet you thought we got most of the trauma dumping out of the way yesterday and today was going to be fun, huh? Well, aren’t I just full of surprises.” I hiccup down a sob, forcing a fake angry laugh at myself.

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