Page 20 of Knot Just for Show

“I didn’t keep it a fluff-and-fold situation though, I turned it into a florist shop and plant paradise, because I was about to sell the whole thing and take off for literalgreener pasturesafter too many years living in a city.” He draws to a natural stopping point, and I find myself rushing in to fill the silence.

“Why didn’t you just escape the city—’live one day as nature’ and all of that?” I wonder aloud.

“I haven’t had much in the way of family in my life. After Emmy, my great aunt, died—I had a hard time leaving the placethat still felt like her,” he explains before adding with a quiet intensity, “made me realize how much I want to start my own family too.”

He’s come to full stop now. I allow his last words a chance to breathe—making sure Ronan’s got nothing left to add before I react to his abridged but still surprisingly in-depth summary of his formative traumas and entering baggage.

“Well, I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been through some incredible bullshit, my friend—but I’m not running for the hills or anything after that. If anything, I’m more interested in getting to know you.” I can feel my heart pounding as I hug my legs to my chest, my hands clasped together in front of my ankles.

“Nothing for you to be sorry for,” he chuckles sunnily.

“But it is your turn to spill your guts, Ursula,” Ronan goads me on, not allowing a moment for so much as a whiff of pity to catch him.

“Well, I’m afraid to say that I’m going to be boring by comparison.” I fidget nervously, my legs breaking free of my arms—my left leg bouncing anxiously as I begin to talk about myself in earnest.

“I come from a pretty traditional pack. Mom’s an omega, my dad and his two other pack mates are alphas. There’s three of us kids, me and two brothers. I’m the only kid in the generation who can have a baby—that old song and dance,” I sing-song, not needing to list the cliche pressures that befall an omega or sigma when it comes to finding one’s pack and getting into the matter of breeding.

“Apart from the old ‘woe is the fate of an omega’ thing… Well, it’s a little tricky to talk about some of the stuff while adhering to the rules of theexperience,” I say carefully, before powering onward, “but I was pretty mercilessly bullied as a kid. Like, to the point where I was begging my mom to let me stay home from school, and when I did have to go—I started spending so muchtime in the nurse’s office to avoid being in class that the school had to call home and get my parents involved…it was a mess.” I do my best to steady my voice, but my crybaby tears threaten to spill over at any moment.

“I know this sounds pretty stupid in comparison to your childhood,” I hiccup down hot tears on a fake laugh, attempting to make light and continue on.

“Not at all,” Ronan soothes before urging me on. “We all have different stories—it’s not the pain olympics.”

I give a genuine giggle at the termpain olympicsbefore picking up the thread of my story.

“I think all I can say right now is that I ended up in some scary places. Largely in part because of how I had been bullied, and how I felt I could deal with it.” I do my best to gloss over this part, not only because of the rules of the show—but because it’s genuinely difficult for me to talk about.

While I’m at a pretty good place at this point in my life, younger me turned to a lot of destructive acts of self-harm in an attempt to gain mastery over a life I had begun to feel was spinning out of my control.

“I was pretty sick for a while, but I was able to pick up the pieces and start to pull my life together.” I steady myself, moving on.

“There was a lot of pressure from my mother for me to start courting immediately. She wanted me to debut in local society and start seeing different packs—to bite in young and to start having as many babies as possible, just like she did,” I sigh, already exhausted by the telling of this tale.

“Things got pretty bad for a while, and I ended up running away from home, more or less.” I’m shocked that I say this part aloud. Even Daphne, my best friend, doesn’t know this little detail. I pause, the silence closing in around me—threatening to crush me. Perhaps I will let it consume me, to keep mefrom blurting out the rest of this story—that I am only now remembering will be replayed for anyone who cares to tune in.

“How old were you when you left home?” Ronan asks gently, again, guiding me on—encouraging me to share myself.

“Just past eighteen. I’d gotten my designation, but I wasn’t ready to give up my life. So, I just packed up andran. I followed some half-baked, misguided dream and hauled my ass to LA.” I would be content to leave it there, but Ronan won’t let me off the hook so easily.

“And what dream was that?” he snickers.

“That, dear Ronan, is a tale for another day,” I laugh bitterly. “Suffice to say, I had a serious reality check. I settled for a job that I’m decent at but that I don’t love. It pays the bills, just barely. My family and I talk now—things aren’t perfect, but we got back in touch after I got properly settled in LA. We even take turns visiting each other on opposite coasts for the holidays. I’m an aunt now, and that’s pretty fuckin’ cool honestly.”

I trail off, deciding that I’m done telling my own abridged tale for now.

“Well, Ursula, I’m happy to say that I feel like I actually know you a bit better now than when we started our conversation and I don’t know if I can do the same for any of the other gals I chatted with today.” His compliment sounds genuine, but I can’t help but challenge him.

“Have you talked to Roxy yet?”

“No, I have not yet had the pleasure of chatting with any such creature,” he admits solemnly.

“Well, my goose is probably cooked. I haven’t had nearly such a revealing conversation with her as I’ve just done with you–but from what I can tell, she’s probably one of the most badass women I’ve ever met—so keep an ear out. I’m sure you’ll learn something—unless, of course, you fuck it up,” I add on a laugh.

I haven’t realized how quickly time has been passing until Kimmy raps loudly on the door to my ‘bubble’, sticking her head in the narrow door opening, her chestnut brown ponytail bobbing up and down.

“Ok you two, wrap it up! I need to bring you to your next date, Ursula!” she chirps pleasantly as I cringe.

I don’t want to cut my conversation with Ronan short, and I certainly don’t want to remind him that I’m about to go off on another date…or to be reminded that he’s going to be on his own rendezvous. Possibly with Roxy.

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