Page 69 of Love Me Fearless

“Yeah. I needed to be here.”

“Your unit is deploying to the UK soon.”

I rub the back of my neck. “I heard.” Most of my crew are shitty texters, but a few have kept me in the loop.

“Thea and Beth are capable.”

“So am I.”

He releases a measured breath. “Your mother has never prioritized her health.”

I give my dad more slack than he deserves most of the time because I’ve always looked up to him, and a part of me still longs to please him, to make him proud. But he’s testing my capacity right now. “So you’re saying she deserves to suffer?”

“I didn’t call to argue.”

Dad never shares what he’s feeling, so why should I be surprised that he likes shutting me down when I do? “It’s important to me to be here.”

“Even though it could cost you a rotation, or worse?”

“Obviously I hope it doesn’t come to that.”

“I hope so too. You’ve worked hard, Ryan.”

This might be the closest he ever gets to all-out praise, and I hate myself for drinking it in. “I gotta go.”

“Give Louisa my best.”

“Yeah.”

We hang up, and I slump against the wall. If Mom is better thanks to this procedure, then I would be justified in returning to my unit. Trading this hospital and the endless farm chores for my life as a PJ brings on a longing so sharp I have to close my eyes to force it back. I’ve been away almost three weeks. Is Dad right, and staying longer is going to jeopardize my career? I have worked hard, butdamn it, so has Mom. Maybe she hasn’t taken the best care of herself, but that’s because she’s been taking care of us and the farm she loves.

And what about Ava?So we just hook up while you’re home, and then break it off when you leave?I don’t want to break it off with her, ever.

Fuck!

There’s no way to pull all the strings of my life together.

Very soon, I’m going to have to choose.

When I returnto Mom’s room with snacks and sodas, both of my sisters and Dylan are hanging out. Mom’s cheeks have more color and her eyes are bright. Maybe it’s having all her kids in one place, or maybe it’s the positive results we’re all hoping for. With the room so boisterous and Mom in good company, I offer to pick up lunch. I could use the quiet.

Once I’m behind the wheel, I drive past the turn that would lead me into town and keep going, accelerating on the two-lane heading east.

When I pass the old weigh station where we mustered for the search for Marin, a tingle works up my chest. What is bringing me back here, of all places? At Thrasher’s Corner, I turn up the gravel road.

When the pullout littered with broken glass at the base of the giant boulder comes into view, I don’t slow down. I don’t need to see it again. The road curves around the ridge and narrows, the left shoulder dropping off into the steep ravine crowded with boulders. This road used to be the only way into the Finn River Valley from the Montana border. Now it’s mostly used by hikers and sightseers. The tires chew up the gravel as I drive, the view opening to a broad horizon of spires and rocky passes framed by lush meadows.

If Mom is doing better, I can return to Florida in time to get fit tested for duty and make the cut for the UK. Mom’s doctors seem encouraged by how well her procedure went. It means thefuture valve replacement surgery they ultimately want to do isn’t off the table. But they also didn’t give me a timeline for when it could happen. Thea and Dylan are heading to Penny Creek in a few days as long as Mom continues to improve so they can visit his family before their vacation time ends. If she feels okay leaving, should I?

At the pass, a green metal sign announcing that I’m entering Montana is so full of bullet holes it’s barely legible. I take a moment to savor the stunning vista, but the peace I think I came for eludes me. Maybe it’s the frustrating phone conversation with my dad, or it’s my nonstop thoughts of Ava and what I want but somehow, no matter how hard I try to form a solution, can’t grasp.

When I head back down, a Finn River Sheriff’s Department SUV and a forensic van are parked in the turnout. I pull over and step out. The sharp, alpine breeze bites the exposed skin at my neck and face. I reach back into the cab for my jacket and tug it on.

Zach pokes his head from the top of the boulder. “Thought I heard a car.”

I blow into my chilled hands. “I went for a drive. Sort of ended up here.”

Zach gives me a grim nod. After turning back to say something to whoever’s with him up there, he downclimbs the boulder and brushes off his hands.

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