Page 68 of Love Me Fearless

“At least she gets to be awake,” Thea says as we step into the waiting room. Two rows of plastic chairs separated by small tables displaying magazines face a coffee station, vending machine, and a large, leafy houseplant. Bright sunlight from the two giant windows overlooking the parking lot do nothing for the sterile, barren feel of the room.

I skim the two-page printout the nurse handed me that describes what they’re doing step by step. It doesn’t sound that impressive to me. They use a catheter inserted into an artery to access her aortic valve, then use a tiny balloon to puff it open. So what? Her heart will get a quick relief, but the valve isn’t going to magically start performing better. What am I missing?

“Want me to make you a cup of coffee?” I ask Thea.

“Maybe just water,” she says. “I’ll go call Beth.”

While she steps into the hallway, I grab two waters from the vending machine and settle into one of the chairs. I take out my phone and text Ava an update. She replies right away.

Did she seem nervous?

I remember Mom’s bright smile.

More like excited

Oh good. Will she get to come home today?

Tomorrow. If all goes well

How are you holding up?

I blink at my screen as the emotions I’ve kept locked down wriggle free.

I’m scared

Admitting this feels like torture, but holding it in isn’t helping me, either. And Ava might be the safest person to share it with. Why haven’t I done it more?

You have every right to be. Does it help knowing she’s in good hands?

A little

Okay. Keep the faith. Do you need anything?

I fight the urge to ask her to come by.

Not right now

Hang in there

I give her a thumbs up and settle in to wait.

Hours later,after Mom is returned to her room and the cardiac team has assured me that she’s doing great, I’m just heading down to the cafeteria when my phone rings.

I slip it from my pocket and stare at the screen for a moment before answering. “Dad?”

“Ryan. I heard about your mom.”

Thea must have gotten a hold of him somehow. Whenever I try, his phone is set todo not disturb.

“Yeah.”

“Did she respond favorably to the procedure?”

“Uh, it went well, but we won’t know if it helps Mom for a few more days.” Or longer, but I don’t share that. I’m focusing on the positive.Hang in there, Ava said, and I’m trying.

“I noticed you requested a leave of absence.”

As an Air Force Colonel, Dad has access to all kinds of details about my life. I know he tracks my missions and rescues. I used to think it meant he cared, but over time, it’s made me feel more like a pawn he enjoys playing. Or bragging about me to his colleagues.

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