Page 71 of Cups of You

It was quiet then and he wondered if maybe she was going to pretend, he wasn’t there. He couldn’t completely blame Amber for being wary of talking to him now after the way he reacted to her baring her feelings before. But she had told him he was allowed to be a little selfish, and he was going to take her advice. He shifted the basket of blueberry muffins he had brought as a bribe and swallowed hard.

“Amber, can we talk?” He gazed at the door mentally willing it to open. “Please?”

“Okay.”

Her reply was faint, but Benjamin was already stretching his senses to catch the slightest bit of response from her, so he heard it loud and clear.

Benjamin had prepared. He had thought about everything she said and everything Randy said, and had come up with exactly what he needed to say. But when the door opened and he came face-to-face with Amber, all his words flew out the window and he stood there in the doorway like the world’s largest door holder.

Benjamin's palms were damp, and he rubbed one and then the other on his jeans as he followed Amber into the house. The blank look on her face when she opened the door had him tumbling back into the guilt he felt when she left the café.

He knew he had to get this right this time.

When they reached the couch, he stretched out his arms thrusting the basket forward.

“I brought you muffins.” Amber blinked slowly her gaze sliding down. “They’re blueberry because I know they are your favorite.”

She stared at the basket for a moment longer before reaching out to take it. Now that his hands were free, he didn’t quite know what to do with them.

“Sit. You're making me anxious,” Amber said gesturing to the couch. She sat down placing the basket on the coffee table. He felt her tense as he sat down beside her. He gripped his thighs to keep from reaching out. He didn't think she would appreciate his touch right then; not after being responsible for how awkward things were between them now.

Squeezing his fingers helped release some nervous energy, but it wasn't until he heard Amber soft sigh that he was able to finally speak up.

“I'm sorry.” She didn't respond or even look Benjamin’s way and he struggled to explain his thoughts. “I didn't…I wasn't—"

He cut himself off and frowned. The words he was saying were all wrong. It was like everything he had practiced had gone out the window as soon as he needed it leaving him gaping like a fish stuck on the shore. Benjamin ran a hand through his hair wincing when his fingers caught a snag. The silence between them grew and he bit his bottom lip before trying again to verbalize his feelings.

“I don't know why I said we can't be in a relationship when it's exactly what I want. I haven’t wanted to try with anyone else in a long time, but I want to try with you.”

“Strange way to show it,” she replied finally. Amber's voice was softer than he had ever heard it and he hated that the reason for that was him. Her expression was still blank, but the tone of her voice was anything but. He recognized the slight tremor in her words as the faux calm of forcing yourself to appear unaffected when you were drowning in hurt.

“I think I've spent so long just hoping to meet someone amazing that I didn't know what to do once I had.”

She glanced at him. “What's the point in hoping to find someone if you push them away the moment, they return your feelings?”

“I had never gotten close, so I never thought about it. Until you.”

Amber crossed her arms and leaned back against the couch. “This might surprise you, but I also wasn't expecting this.” She looked up at the ceiling. “I had planned out the rest of my life, carefully constructed and controlled. Even with the breakup, I could still easily modify things and stay on the path I had made for myself. Then you came along with your damn smiles and being so fucking earnest.”

“You rarely seemed to smile so I just, wanted to make you smile. And then after Josiah, I kept telling myself I just wanted to help you feel better.”

“So, the long looks and all-night text were just, what? Friendship?”

“God no,” he said laughing at himself. “That's what I told myself to keep away my panic at knowing I was falling for you.”

Amber turned and looked at him fully then. Her eyes were wide as she slowly uncrossed her arms. “You fell for me? When?”

Benjamin gave her a sheepish grin. “Sometime between the first glass of wine that time you invited me for dinner and the next day when I woke up face down on your aunt’s couch.”

“Benjamin, that was months ago.”

“Yeah, it was.” He lifted his hand closest to her and reached out. There was only a moment of hesitation before he brushed his fingers over the back of her hand. Amber looked down for a moment before nodding slightly.

She turned her hand over and laced their fingers together. Benjamin felt warmth bloom in his chest as he gazed down at their joined hands.

Amber’s skin was like the softest velvet, and he brushed his thumb over hers relishing feeling her against him no matter how small the touch. When she squeezed his fingers, he felt something that he had been missing for years.

Hope.

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