Page 65 of Cups of You

The uncertainty involved with getting to know someone was one aspect of dating she loathed with a passion. Opening up and being vulnerable to someone you weren’t sure would stick around was terrifying. Just the thought of it used to send Amber’s heart racing while the rest of her ran the other way too. It was the one thing she had been hoping she wouldn’t have to deal with when it came to her and Benjamin continuing this slow dance, they had started weeks ago.

“Maybe he only liked the chase.”

The sentence felt wrong as soon as it fell from her lips. Nothing about Benjamin had led Amber to believe he was into playing games. In fact, he almost seemed too cautious if his constant apologies were any indication.

“Who are you talking to sweetie?”

Amber shook herself and looked up from her phone. Jackie’s gaze was on the television, but she gestured at Amber’s phone.

“You’ve got that look on your face.”

“What look?”

“That look you always used to get before you left me a note saying you were disappearing.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, auntie. I’m not running anywhere. Where would I even go?”

Jackie pinned Amber in place with a knowing gaze. This was the gaze she always saw before Jackie read her like a goddamn book. Amber could see that moment coming like a train baring down on her, but something in her—the part that led to her coming back to Millensville and daring to give this place a try—that part was telling her she needed the kind of ass-kicking only Jackie could provide.

“I notice you haven’t gone to see Benjamin since you’ve been back.”

The question was unexpected, and Amber felt like she had stumbled on something unseen. “I’ve been busy.”

Jackie’s eyebrow raised. “Busy? Doing what?”

“Unpacking all of my stuff for one. Figuring out what I’m going to do for work long term for another.”

“Child, if Mrs. Jacob’s has anything to do with it, you’ll be stepping into her place at the library as soon as she decides to finally retire like she needs to.”

“That’s not guaranteed auntie. I’m only part-time for now and there are other workers who might—”

“Other workers my butt,” Jackie cut in. “That woman has held on as long as she has because she hoped, like I did, that you would come back someday. Hell, she’s older than I am, and I retired three years ago. I know she’s tired.”

The thought of Mrs. Jacob’s holding out for her return touched something inside Amber. She was one of the few people Amber always felt was in her corner.. Jackie brought her attention back to the conversation with her next question.

“So now why don’t you tell me why you’re really sitting over in the corner sighing like your lover just went off to war.”

Amber rolled her eyes but didn’t deny her melancholy mood. It wouldn’t do any good. Jackie was like a heat-seeking missile when it came to finding out what bugged you and with Amber, Jackie’s aim had always been true.

“Fine,” she relented. “Benjamin and I had been getting closer before I left for Chicago. I thought maybe something would happen between us when I got back, but he’s been…distant.”

“Distant how?”

Amber frowned as she wracked her brain for how to describe the space she sensed that hadn’t been present between them before. Her thoughts flitted on one word and then the next but none of them seemed to be able to fully capture what she wanted to say.

Her frustration was clear in her voice when she finally answered.

“Distant like we used to text multiple times a day, all day, but now, nothing.” She held the phone up. “I get one-word answers and not much else.”

“Have you tried calling?”

“Yeah.” Amber dropped her hands down in her lap and looked at the phone. “We talked and he seemed…normal, I guess. But he sounded distracted, and we weren’t talking long before he had to go.”

Her shoulders drooped with the weight of her thoughts, and Amber wondered if she had incorrectly read the direction they were headed in. She had been wrong about one relationship. Was wrong about Benjamin too?

“Well,” Jackie started drawing Amber’s attention back to her. “I think the only thing you can do to get the answers to your questions is to go talk to Benjamin in person.”

Amber knew Jackie was right, but it didn’t stop her from feeling sick to her stomach about having to put herself out there. Still, she would feel even worse staying in this weird limbo of not knowing for sure where they stood with one another.

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