Page 7 of Coincidentally Kismet

WILL

“M.I.A.” - GRAHAM BARHAM

“Give me twenty more push-ups, dirtbags,” barks Sergeant Montgomery.

“I swear to God, if Johnson doesn’t get his chest to the floor this time, I’m going to kill him with my bare hands,” I whisper quietly to Smith, so as not to be the one responsible for extended PT this morning.

It’s Friday and it’s been a hell of a week. The last thing I need is to have to lie face down on this busted excuse for a track for even a second longer than is mandatory. We’ve had nothing but problems with our surveillance feeds for the past four days, our computer network has shit the bed twice, and we’re preparing to deploy at a moment’s notice. Not knowing when it will happen is fueling my anxiety.

Coming off our last deployment, I thought getting moved as a group to Tampa sounded great. I thought it meant I’d actually see a beach. Instead, I’m stuck in a constant state of darkness at work—literally. We work in a pitch-black room lit only by the hazy glow of hundreds of computer monitors. Then there’s the fact that my mother decided last night would be a good time totell me she ran into Patricia Wright at the market. Hearing about the woman who should have been my mother-in-law has my skin vibrating with regret.

“...nineteen, twenty.Alright, you idiots. Shower and report to duty in twenty,” barks Montgomery again.

Does that man ever speak any other way except in grunts and barks? I bet he walks around hollering about light switches being left on and who’s signed up for trash duty when he’s at home. It’s reassuring that he found someone to marry though. There might be hope for the rest of us yet.

As we walk quickly toward the gym showers, Smith raps me on the shoulder. “Whaddya say, old Willy boy, wanna hit the Hole tonight?”

I groan quietly. I’ve been to the Waterin’ Hole too many times to count in the last three months, and honestly, the place is dulling my senses. Don’t get me wrong, I love country music, it runs in my veins, but every time I walk in that place, I’m transported back to dancing lessons in Cam’s barn after school. The way memories of what we had seep into me and rip my heart out is becoming too much to handle.

“I don’t know, man. I might just order pizza and chill tonight.” A low-key night feels like exactly what I need.

“Willy boy, who gives a shit if no one can dance properly and if the music isn’t the folksy shit you grew up on? Girls are girls and you need one, like, yesterday, my man,” shouts Smith.

“Geezus, what I don’t need is you announcing to the whole base that I haven’t had a date in far too long. I don’t need a woman, I’m fine by myself,” I hiss back at him. He knows why I don’t put myself out there, he just doesn’t accept it.

“You need to get your mind off her and let go of all the ass-backward reasons you’re holding on to for not putting yourself out there. You aren’t your father. Never have been, never willbe.” He demands my agreement, grabbing my chin and shaking my head up and down.

As we step into the steam-filled locker room, he squeezes my shoulder and tells me to think about it, adding that I can hit him up at his apartment around nine if I want to grab a cab with him. He says it like it’ll be this big endeavor when in reality, he lives across the hall from me. I could walk out my door and get in the cab when it pulls up, but that’s just like Smith to lean into the drama of it all.

Shaking my head, I toss him an eye roll, grab my caddy, and head toward the shower. He’s a great guy, a real man’s man who will always watch your back in the field, but he’s also loud and boisterous. Smith knows everyone and isn’t afraid to make a scene, be the star of the party, and laugh his ass off—at my expense.

“Alright man, I’ll think about it. Let’s hurry here and get to work, so Montgomery doesn’t make us do anymore push-ups today,” I grumble.

We shower swiftly, put on our standard-issue uniforms, and rush to the secure facility we work in. It’s not going to be a crazy day, but we’re pretty busy and all on edge that we may have to head out soon. I can’t stop thinking about what Smith said. Maybe I should do what the rest of the guys do, download Tinder and find someone to take the edge off quickly. It’s not like I haven’t done it before, it’s just that I don’t want to deal with what comes afterward. It’s supposed to be quick and easy, but they always want more than I can provide, emotionally. The only person I was ever attached to I broke. These women don’t deserve it.

To be frank, if—and that’s a big if—I was going to get attached again, it would be to her. But I can’t. It would be selfish to put her through what would inevitably be me making a mistake that costs both of our happiness. Not that she would even give methe time of day at this point. Cam is a no contest girl, when compared to anyone else she wins every category hands down and I screwed her over. Ultimately I did it to help her, she couldn’t be a ray of sunshine stuck to my grumpy ass, but of course she didn’t see it that way. Instead, she thinks I crushed her on purpose, and I let her believe it.

Smith rolls over, bumping into me with his desk chair, spinning like an eight-year-old entertaining himself on bring-your-son-to-work day. “So, the Hole? You in? Or are you going to sit around and wallow all night?” he chides me, knowing if he pokes long enough, I’ll eventually cave. No one enjoys sitting alone at home on a Friday.

“I don’t know, man, it’s going to be the same shit as always. We go, I sit at the bar and drink while you pick up a girl, hook up with her in the bathroom, and then we leave. Why don’t we go somewhere else?”

“Hmm...why don’t you try not being a sad sack and finally give up on this no-dating rule?”

“You know why.” I stare at him astounded that he doesn’t feel exactly the same way. “I don’t have a job where I can commit to being in one location. I am stubborn as a mule and struggle to say the right thing. I am sure that women are just waiting to line up,” I deadpan.

“You know there’s this thing you could try, it’s calledjust have fun. Keep it light and casual with clear expectations upfront.”

“Okay...so you want me to lead them on?” I ask, hoping deep down that’s not actually what he’s doing to the women he entertains. I may be dense at times, but I pride myself on being respectful in all things.

“No, that’s the meaning of clear expectations. I just want you to quit moping around. Look, we all know that the elusive Cam is it for you, but that doesn’t mean you’re dead. We all also knowthat you don’t even know where she is or what she’s up to.” He doesn’t know my mom’s latest update on her grocery store run in with Cam’s mom is weighing on my mind.

“If I agree to go, will you never mention her name again?” I ask, impatiently.

“If you agree to stop pining away for her like a puppy that lost his favorite toy. You made the decision to drop her like yesterday’s trash, you didn’t want her, she would never have been able to handle the emotional toll, one of you would have eventually walked away, yada yada...Get over it, bro, it’s been five years!” Smith throws his hands up and rubs them together, signaling my need to wash my hands of her. As if it would be so easy to forget the only woman I’ve ever loved.

“First of all, I didn’t drop her like trash. I did want her, but I also knew what was best for her. Second of all,stoptalking about Cam!” I raise my voice at him, immediately glancing around to see if anyone noticed. If I have to do another push-up today, my arms won’t work at all tomorrow and it will be Smith’s fault for provoking me.

“Whoa, dude, I’m just messing with you. But you really do need to find a way to break this spell. Let’s hit up Venus instead. You can pay for a little action to take the edge off.”

---