Page 122 of All That We Are Together

His things weren’t there. Axel had gone.

113

Axel

Pushing her away from me years ago had been painful.

Pushing myself away from her now was torture.

I couldn’t stop thinking about the similarities between the two situations, about how maybe I wasn’t fighting enough, wasn’t pushing myself hard enough. Then I remembered the desperation in her voice, how she’d begged me just once to let her choose, to trust her, to give her space, to let her fall and learn to pick herself back up without anyone’s help. Just the thought of it was killing me inside.

I looked out the round airplane window for hours, unable to sleep, unable to stop thinking about her. I hadn’t called Oliver until I was already out of the apartment where we had experienced so much together because I needed to be sure he agreed with my decision and also know he’d take care of her from wherever he was and call her every day.

When we landed, I walked through the Brisbane airport toward the baggage carousel like a robot. I waited, absent, so focused on my own thoughts that I wouldn’t have cared if it had taken hours for my suitcases to come through.

That was when I felt a familiar hand on my back.

I turned around. My father was standing there with his eternally cheerful smile. I heard the voice of Justin, who was beside him, but I was so surprised that I could barely tell what he was saying as my father hugged me and I closed my eyes…

I had a stupid thought, a memory of when I was little and a hug from my father could fix everything, in those days when I still hadn’t grown up and saw him as a hero capable of resolving whatever problem arose without even blinking. How easy life had been back then. How simple…

I pulled away from him and looked at my older brother.

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“There’s the old Axel. I thought you’d gone soft on me.”

“Screw you, Justin,” I said, but I pulled him close and mussed his hair. “Hold on, I think I see my suitcases.” I walked over to the belt and grabbed them.

Once we were outside, they helped me put my bags in the car. I asked them to wait so I could smoke. The sky was clear. I hadn’t seen a sky like that in a long time.

“So, Oliver told you…” I said.

“You’re lucky. Seems like he’s willing to forgive you and he still worries about you no matter what you do. If you ever wanted a friend for life, you’ve got one in him,” my father said.

“Don’t forget we’re there for you too,” Justin said, and I actually felt like smiling for the first time in weeks. It was a real smile. I threw my arm over his shoulders and pulled him in close as I took one last drag.

“Let’s get out of here,” I said, pulling the car door open.

Justin walked past me.

“Listen, Axel, if you need to cry…”

“One more word and you’re dead.”

I got into the back seat and watched my father try not to grin before pulling his glasses down over the bridge of his nose. They tried to chat with me, but they could soon tell how hard it was for me to come up with answers, and they left me in peace. Maybe they knew me well enough to realize I’d need time to digest all that had happened.

I looked at the landscape as we left the city behind. Soon vegetation covered everything. Finally I was home, I thought. But I wasn’t sure I could really call it home if Leah wasn’t there.

June

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(SUMMER, PARIS)

(WINTER, AUSTRALIA)

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