Page 11 of Forbidden Knots

I stepped back into my bedroom, closing the door behind me. I locked the door twice, my heart pounding, and my body shaking. I walked inside, going back to the window. That window was now my escape, a way to distance myself from reality, far away from this nightmare I was facing. Tears streamed down my face, my mouth dry from gasps for air. I sat on the bed, sobbing, shaking.

I looked again through the window, trying to find the stranger. I promised myself that if I saw him, I would shout for help. But he was not there. She was warming him by his side of the bed.

I lay down, tears still falling from helplessness, and pulled the sheet over my head. I closed my eyes, repeating repeatedly, "This isn't real, this isn't real."

The sound of seagulls woke me up, and one of them landed on my windowsill, its call jolting me awake.

I pulled the sheet off and shouted at it, "Get lost!" As I got out of bed, I waved my hands toward the bird, making it fly away.

Just as I was about to close the shutters, I noticed the girl from yesterday on the neighbor’s balcony. She looked at me, trying torecognize me. But at that moment, something took over—maybe it was anger, maybe it was the sleepless night, or maybe a dash of jealousy—and I slammed the shutters, causing old paint to flake off.

I turned my back, and I could hear her piercing laugh growing louder and louder. Then I saw her with him. They were talking.

And it hit me: I was jealous that she had a good night’s sleep while I was the one standing here with unbrushed hair, bad breath, and dark circles under my eyes, questioning my sanity or, even worse, my reality.

I was mad at myself for limiting myself in everything. I used to be this fearless person who could do the best for herself, who had confidence, and now I don’t even recognize myself. Like I am not even half of who I was before. A tear fell, remembering the day I thought I lost my mom. Even though I lost her long ago, I thought I had lost her forever, and that broke me. Along with other things, thinking of losing her was something that awakened this broken version of myself. And now, this Shadow is trying to break me even more.

It was like I was trying to piece together broken parts of myself over and over again, but there was no glue strong enough to hold me together.

I turned around, dug inside my closet, pulled on shorts, and wiped my tears just before pulling a black oversized T-shirt over my head. I tied my hair in a bun and slipped into my oldConverse shoes.

"Pull yourself together," I told myself, softly slapping my cheeks as I applied concealer under my eyes.

And then I slowly walked towards the door, leaning my head against it, hearing the soft clinks of plates at the table. I slowly opened the door.

"Good morning,bambina," Grandma said, pouring coffee into two cups.

I walked towards her, trying to scan her eyes. As I saw they were again light green, I pulled out a chair and sat down, instantly asking, "Who is Rose?"

She froze, her smile fading into a line of concern.

"Rose?" she questioned, sitting down. Her eyebrows pulled together in confusion.

"You don't remember?" I asked her, taking a cup from her. "I do," I said. "The whole night I was afraid. I had to sleep with locked doors."

"You did?" she asked, placing her hands on her head, and pulling down her face. Then she placed her hand on mine.

"You scared me," I whispered. "What's going on?"

"I thought it wasn't happening again," she said, squeezing my hand.

"What?" I interrupted her quickly.

"Sometimes I sleepwalk," she confessed. "It used to happen all the time, and the next morning I would remember, but I don't remember anymore, so I thought it wasn't happening again."

"I don't want to trouble you," she said, holding both my hands.

"It's fine," I said. "For a moment, I thought you were possessed or something." I chuckled nervously.

"Mi dispiace, tesoro," she said, gliding her hand across my cheek. "I should've told you before."

I shook my head. "You were mentioning the name Rose a lot."

Her eyes filled with tears, and she stood up. "I will tell you about her," she said, "but not now,bambina." She continued as she walked towards the living room, stepping out onto the balcony to light a cigarette. Her hand shook as she lit it, the sleeve of her denim shirt falling to her wrist.

I simply nodded and finished my coffee. I tilted my head to the right, noticing the cabinet door barely holding on and a crack in the wall wider than it was last night.

I knew everyone had secrets, something from their past they were trying to hide, but somehow this place, with all the people in it, felt like a curse and everyone had yet to wake up.

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