Page 10 of Desirous

With a big smile, she says, “Maria and Shane told me we’re to be together. Isn’t that great?”

I try to muster a smile in return, but it never gets to the point that it could convince anyone I’m happy. “Sure. I guess since we don’t have to do much cooking on this show, we have to fill in the time with something.”

Her smile fades, but she bounces back quickly and nudges my arm. “You’re such a kidder. I love it! We’re going to have so much fun, you know that? I bet they have us do things outside of this set too.”

Great. A field trip with my pretend love interest. What more could a chef ask for on a reality cooking show? God, I wish I had followed my gut about this whole thing.

Then again, if I had, I wouldn’t have gotten to know Kat, so maybe all this misery was worth it. Now if only I could make her see I’m not the selfish fuck she’s so sure I am.

CHAPTER FIVE

Kat

The time has comefor me to leave my bed. Too bad because I seriously could see me spending the rest of my life here.

But until I find a way to make money from my bedroom and look like a trainwreck doing it, I’ll have to go back to work. Sadie doesn’t deserve to suffer for my bad choices, and the rent is due next week, so off to the restaurant I go.

First, though, I need to eat something and wash off the multi-day sleepfest I’ve been enjoying. I haven’t had an appetite for almost four days. Maybe I’ve lost a few pounds. That would be the only good thing to come out of my depressive state.

Padding out to the kitchen in my bare feet, I hop up on one of the barstools at the counter and open the cabinet to grab a sleeve of saltines. I doubt I could stomach much more right now, but I need something if I’m going to work a shift this afternoon.

I set my phone down and see no new messages or calls. I guess he gave up. Four days isn’t bad. I didn’t expect more than a call or two, so Alex actually surprised me.

With a shake of my head, I try to push that out of my mind. He didn’t surprise me, so what the hell am I thinking? I always knew he was a selfish bastard, and the first chance he got, he proved me right in spades.

As I chew on dry crackers, I mindlessly scroll through my phone and then to my messages to read all the texts he sent. It’s stupid, really. Why should I read them again? They aren’t going to change from the first time. It must be hunger. That’s what’s making me sentimental. I need to eat more food so that goes away.

I let his first text come up, and my eyes glide over the words.

Kat, please let me explain. I didn’t mean to betray you. I didn’t. Please answer.

He used the word betray first, not me. Let the record show that. He knew what he did as soon as he did it. Let the record show that too.

I don’t delete that message and move on to read more. They all say pretty much the same thing. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be a douchecanoe. I want you to text back so I can have some reprieve from this horrible guilt.

Well, he didn’t say those exact words, but the spirit of the messages is the same. He feels bad, and he wants me to make him feel better. Sorry, pal. Not going to happen.

Finally, I get to the last message he sent this morning. Probably right before he was about to walk into the studio for the first day of taping of Chef on Chef. Surprisingly, it’s more of the same sadness and not a hint of gloating. Maybe he isn’t a completely selfish tool.

Please read this and know I feel terrible, Kat. Did Sadie tell you I came to see you last night? I just want a chance to explain. I’m going to make this right. I promise.

Hmmmph. Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Alex.

I don’t know why, but curiosity gets the better of me, and I begin typing a text to ask how he plans to make things right. Thankfully, just as I get the first word finished, I’m interrupted by my mother calling.

“Hey, Mom. What’s up?” I say in my best fake chipper voice.

The last thing I want my mother to know is I’m feeling even the tiniest bit down. She’ll blow everything completely out of proportion. It’s her thing.

“I’m calling to see how things are going. They must keep banker’s hours on TV. I thought this might go to voicemail since you’d be on the set. I just wanted to say good luck. No, no! That’s bad. What do actors say? Oh, yes. Break a leg.”

My mother is a genuinely kind soul, much like Sadie. I think it’s why I gravitated toward my roommate the first time we met. The two of them wouldn’t hurt a flea, and they truly mean well.

“About that, Mom,” I say before taking a big bite of dry saltine. “I’m not going to be doing that reality show after all.”

“Oh, honey. Why? I know you were so looking forward to that,” she says, disappointment clinging to each word.

“Deidre called me back to work because a cook quit. It couldn’t be avoided,” I lie.

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