Page 18 of Desirous

I open my eyes and blow the air out of my lungs as I look up at the crystal blue cloudless sky. I haven’t told a soul what’s wrong, other than the little I told my grandmother, but it feels like I’ve thought about it every second of every day since I watched Kat drive out of the studio parking lot in tears.

“We are. You’re my best friend. You know, I could say the same thing about you since you and I barely see each other anymore. I thought we were closer than that.”

He smiles and gives me a nod like he understands what I’m not saying. It’s not that I’m jealous. I’m glad Cade foundsomeone, and Hailey’s the best. I couldn’t have picked a better woman for him. It’s just that after our entire lives being like inseparable twins, the past year has been a hard change to get used to.

“Point taken. I have been spending a lot of time with Hailey and ignoring hanging out with you. I guess it’s that I thought I needed to be with her since we’re a couple now and my friendship with you could handle a little time on the back burner. I wasn’t trying to be a dick, Alex.”

I shrug and wave away that idea. “You weren’t being a dick. Well, no more than you usually are since it’s your nature to be a dick,” I say with a chuckle.

“Fuck you, Eye Candy. As if you’re any different,” he responds, smiling.

Cade and I have always joked around with each other like this, but there’s a little truth in everything we say to each other. He was being a dick, and I’ve had my moments of dickiness, to be sure.

We sit in silence for a few moments before I say, “I think I’ve been feeling like the odd man out lately. I mean, with you, Cash, and Liam all settled down, I got lost in my work. So if I’m being honest, I’m probably as much to blame for us not hanging out as you are, although you are always with your girlfriend.”

A warm breeze flows over me, and I remember how much I love being out here on the boat. It has been too long since we hung out like this, and whether it’s his being with Hailey or my diving into work, I need this time out here with my best friend.

“So you still haven’t told me what’s changed with you, Alex. You’re always a good time, but at Grandma’s, you practically bit everyone’s head off every time we asked you what was going on. Is it something involving work, and that’s why you haven’t said what’s wrong?”

Shaking my head, I think about how I wish it was something at the restaurant. That I could handle. No, this is definitely not easy like that.

“Is it the reality show? I really thought you’d be killer on that, man. You’ve got the looks, the charm, and everything else reality shows seem to look for. They asked you to be on the show, for God’s sake, so they must have thought the same thing. Is it bad?”

The mere mention of that makes my entire body tense up. God, I hate that show now. If it wasn’t for the chance that I could win the prize money, I’d bail today and deal with my father’s disappointment. Then again, after my less than stellar showing with that damn soufflé, maybe I shouldn’t think I have much of a chance anymore.

I stand up to grab a bottle of water out of the cooler and toss one to Cade. “It sucks. No kidding, man. It sucks so fucking bad. Everything is so fake. I hate that kind of shit. I should have followed my gut and said no.”

A sheepish expression settles into Cade’s face. “Except I convinced you to do it. I had no idea it would be so bad. I figured you’d be great at it, but I do have to say I don’t really watch those kinds of shows.”

The cold water rolls down my throat, cooling me off from the hour or so we’ve been in the sun. “I don’t do fake, and that’s all this show is. There is no reality with these people. That’s not how I work. I admit I’ve done some things in my life I’m not too proud of, but none of it has ever been fake. If I’m talking to someone, I’m real. If I’m with a woman, she’s getting the real me. I don’t like pretending. That takes the fun out of things.”

Cade nods as I complain about what I truly hate about the show, and when I finish, he says, “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever thought about things that way, but you aren’t fake. You like having a good time, and for you, that means being real. Being around all that fakeness all day must be exhausting.”

“It is. I hate it. Nobody’s real and nothing we’re doing is real.”

I hesitate for a moment before adding, “But there was this one person I spent time with who wasn’t like that. She’s as real as it gets, and I liked being with her.”

“This story doesn’t sound like it ends well. What happened?”

So tired of keeping it to myself, I finally admit what I did to someone else. “It all went to shit because of something I did. I fucked up, and the worst part is, I really liked her.”

With a smile, Cade says, “I find it hard to believe you fucked up that bad. If she’s that real and you’re who you always are, it sounds like you should have been good together.”

“I did. I really fucked up,” I say, hanging my head. I’ve spent days beating myself up over this, and to finally have the chance to tell Cade what I did actually feels like a relief.

“So fix it. Use that old Alex charm to convince her that what you did wasn’t that bad.”

Shaking my head, I have to smile. Cade knows me better than anyone else in the world, and it’s nice to know he believes that much in me. The problem is charm isn’t going to fix this problem.

“It was Kat. She’s a chef like me. I thought it could go somewhere. I really did.”

Cade’s face registers his shock. “Are we talking something serious? You haven’t been anywhere close to that since Hailey’s friend Meadow.”

I nod, happy to finally admit the truth. “Yeah, I thought it could be serious.”

“Well, why can’t it now?”

I slam the water bottle off the railing on the side of the boat and snap, “Because I fucked up! Weren’t you listening to a word I said? I fucked up royally, as in she never wants to see me again.”

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