Page 77 of Embracing the Dark Side

“Do you know where Helina is? Can we get her back soon?”

Adrik got up and rummaged through his drawers. He thought he had a stash somewhere, but his fucking maids must have gotten rid of it. They think they won’t get fired for being nosy assholes. He snatched a pair of boxers and slipped them on under his towel before tossing the towel in the laundry basket. Adrik returned to the bed, shuffled through the drawer, finding only an empty bottle of Oxy. He cursed and laid down, staring at the ceiling, with an arm behind his head, and though Jolie stared at him, waiting, all he saw was the burned, broken body of his brother.

“Can you get her back?”

He had forgotten she asked a question. “No. I can’t get her back.”

“Why not?”

“Katia took her to Russia.”

“Then let’s go to Russia.”

Adrik had already set up their arrival in Russia, but leaving Tampa would have repercussions and Adrik needed to have all his traps set before he could go. The Utkins were pushing on his territory from the south. The Aslanovs were coming from the north. All the while, he was putting out fires to the east, devouring the rest of the Stephanovs and Toxins till they were only ashes. Bony from the jail had proven to be his best ally, his people killing every Toxin like Pac-man. But that meant Adrik had to stay to make sure it was finished, and to do that would mean letting Katia go for now.

Not to mention the possibility that Yefim won't step down when Adrik returned. It was a never-ending cycle of enemies.

His silence aggravated her, and Jolie pushed. “I know you’d rather that I just get in bed and have sex, but I need more than you’re giving me, Adrik.”

“I think I’ve given enough.”

“Really?” She stood and came to his side of the bed, staring down at him, but he wouldn’t look at her. “There’s so much stuff going on, and you aren’t telling me anything. I’m pacing all day, thinking you’re dead or dying or hurting, and I’m just sitting here, waiting for a phone call. I want to help, but I don’t know how. I want you to let me in.” She waited with bated breath for him to reply. He clenched his teeth, but no other movement. He was a brick wall, impossible to breach. How was she supposed to fight for him when he gave her no weapons? “Do you want to be with me anymore?”

“You’re still here, aren’t you?”

“That’s supposed to be enough?”

“Yes!” he snapped. "Yes, that should be fucking enough." He covered his face, taking a deep breath. He was trying to be understanding, but none of this mattered. Didn’t she get that? He couldn’t focus on her when all his attention was somewhere else.

And what did she expect? He didn’t talk about feelings. He had never once told Katia he loved her, despite when he realized he had. He wasn’t a lovesick fool spouting poetry, and if that’s what she wanted, she was with the wrong brother.

But she didn’t have a choice anymore, did she?

Adrik got to his feet, moving around her to return to the dresser. He took out pants.

“Where are you going?”

“Out.”

“No, Adrik, don’t walk away.”

He slowed as he slipped his leg in. Her plea was crippling and cutting into his attention. His disregard was hurting her. Part of him was glad it was. She deserved pain. But the indecision to end things with her pulled on him. He didn’t want to push her too far in fear she’d leave, and he’d be truly alone.

But what was the other alternative? Stay here and break down? She wanted him to talk about them, but all he could think about was his brother. He spent all day avoiding it, all day pretending Alexei was still alive, simply to get through the hours, and now, in his room, the walls were weakened, and the grief was strong. It was like it was waiting for him to come home.

Adrik buttoned his pants, but her hands slipped into his, stopping him, and he straightened with a clenched jaw, staring over her, beyond her. He was too close to slipping, too close to breaking.

And losing his brother wasn’t even all of it, was it?

Everything he ever knew about his life was crumbling. He didn’t know how to control this family anymore. He didn’t know how to control himself without his brothers. His entire foundation was ripped from beneath his feet, and he kept thinking that he could somehow be the man he was before. With Jolie, it was all he wanted, which was to be what she needed. But every day, he was losing the fight. He was losing himself. And if Jolie didn’t get out, she’d be caught in the gravity of the black hole he’d leave behind.

“Have your feelings changed?”

He didn’t know how to answer her. The only feeling he had was loss and regret, and a terrible self-loathing he couldn’t break through.

Jolie pressed her cheek against his chest, holding onto him for dear life. She wanted him to say things, all the reassuring words she needed to hear, but he remained quiet. It was unlike him. Before jail, he was bold in his care for her. He said things she never imagined him capable of saying. But now, he was stone, clamped tighter than ancient tombs. It saddened her that so much had changed, but it was unrealistic to think otherwise, to hope for otherwise.

Desperation took hold of Jolie, as if she were grasping for rope as the ship began to sink. The only way to get his attention was through sex. She never thought she’d give in to something like that, but all self-respect was gone. She pressed her lips against Adrik’s harshly, hoping that it would spark his love. She wasn’t going to give up. She had never wanted something so terribly in all her life. She never needed anyone more, desired anyone more than she did now in this moment. She ached for the wall between them to collapse. She wanted her betrayal to wither away and for them to go back to how they were before Vincent had come into their lives.

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