Page 31 of Broken Grump

Before I can contemplate these feelings any more, I get up, grab my laptop on the desk, and take my Pebble, also known as “my best friend,” which is designed to target the most sensitive part of a woman’s anatomy.

That’s right, Hayden. Screw you. I don’t need you.I can pleasure my own damn self.

After getting back into bed, I slide my pajama shorts and underwear down, open the computer, and type “Ezra Thunderman” into the search bar with one hand.

Sure, I’ve wondered a time or two whether it is a coincidence that he has dark, coiffed hair and mossy-colored eyes—but he’s not just some random adult film performer. He’s one of the most popular actors in the world.So, yeah. It’s definitely just a coinky dink . . . Right?

Anyway, I bite down on my lower lip while scrolling until I find my favorite video titled, “Mystery Man.”

It starts with an unassuming woman sitting on the couch in a gray hoodie and black yoga pants.

She briefly pauses the television and orders a pizza.

Fast-forward a few minutes, the doorbell rings, and she gets up to answer the door for who she logically thinks is the delivery person.

But surprise, surprise, it’s Ezra in tight red shorts, an ill-fitting button-up shirt, and a baseball hat.

“Who—who are you?” she asks, and I mouth along.

He dips the brim of the cap and then looks up at her with nothing but lust on his mind.

“How about I’ll tell you that after, in lieu of the tip you were about to give me.”

She doesn’t say another word, and he drops the pizza box, grabs her by the underarms, and pushes her inside.

When he pushes her up against her own wall and causes graduation pictures of her nieces and nephews to fall all around them, she really gets revved up.

“Sorry about that.”

He pulls away, leaving her face all smudgy and red.

“I don’t care!” She pulls him in for another deep kiss.

Before long, she’s kicking out of her slippers, and he’s unbuttoning his shirt. Then, they meander over to her bedroom. She pushes him down onto it, and then she straddles him.

They continue to do some foreplay, but I fast-forward until the “good part” starts.

She’s lying on the mattress with her legs up in the air.

Suddenly, the camera angle shifts to her point of view. And Ezra, who is kneeling near the foot of the bed, is staring mesmerizingly down at her parts.

He grabs her thighs, brings her closer to him, and starts licking away.

It’s at that moment that I start my toy up, put it into the perfect position, close my eyes, and pretend as hard as I can that it’s the gorgeous porn star between my legs.

As the actress on the screen starts to moan, my own sounds of pleasure intensify. And I pinch my nipple in between my index finger and thumb for an even more delightful sensation.

“Yes, yes!” I’m getting closer, and my back is starting to arch.

From there, I keep going until my head flies back, and I let out an exaggerated gasp.

“Oh, Hayden!” I exclaim.

“I’m Derek, by the way,” Ezra says as the video keeps playing.

Wait, what?I’m shocked by the name that just escaped my lips, and I hurry to pause it.

My eyes fling open again, and my body freezes.

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