Page 66 of The Doctor's Surprise Family

“No, not a choice. I’d never walk out on Oli. But I didn’t know…”

“What?”

“I kept thinking, what if we didn’t work out? If you found someone else, and he wanted to adopt Oli, or if you got a job somewhere out of state. If I gave up what I’ve got, and I lost you both anyway.”

“So we weren’t worth taking the chance?”

“No! No, you were!”

“Why don’t I believe you?” Claire looked so sad I wanted to hug her, head down, slumped shoulders, back all hunched over. But when I started toward her, she jerked away. She crossed her arms and hugged herself tight. “I can’t understand how it’s even a question. I’dneverleave Oli if I had the choice. You’re saying you have that choice, and you’re filling out forms.”

I opened my mouth, but no words came out. Maybe Clairewasbetter off without me. The things she was saying, they made perfect sense. And me, I was blathering with my foot in my mouth, trying to explain what I couldn’t excuse. What kind of a father could I be to Oli? How could I love him, when I’d never been loved? What if I stayed and he grew up like me, with a wall ten feet high between him and the world?

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“Are you staying or going?”

An hour ago, I’d have shouted outstaying. Staying, no question. My choice was made. But what was wrong with me, thinking Ihada choice? How broken was I, I couldn’t commit?

“Staying or going?”

“I… I don’t know.”

Claire sighed, straightened up. She smoothed out her scrubs. “Okay,” she said. “Think all you want. But I’ve wasted enough time waiting for you. You can keep seeing Oli while you’re on leave, and we’ll make up a schedule for you to talk after that. But other than that, I won’t hold my breath.”

Every cell in my body screamed at me,stop her, but I just stood and watched as Claire walked away. I couldn’t think what to say to her that wouldn’t be wrong.

CHAPTER 24

BLAKE

Iended up in the park, sitting on the slide, watching the birds in the cloudless blue sky. When Oli first met me, he’d called me the sad man. Was he right? Was that me? Was I the sad man? Would I bring sadness into his life?

Oli was a happy kid, but that was thanks to Claire. Claire and her parents. They’d raised him right. What could I give him that the three of them couldn’t, aside from my sadness and my isolation? He didn’t need those things. He didn’t need me.

He didn’t need me. Neither did Claire.

I closed my eyes and put my head in my hands. It had felt like fate when I ran into Claire, when Buster ran up to me, when I met Oli. But fate wasn’t always a positive thing. Some folks had dark fates, or sad ones, or strange ones. Maybe mine was a guest role in my son’s life. I’d show up now and then laden with presents, and then I’d fly out again before my sadness touched Oli.

A car pulled up nearby. I heard the door slam.

“Blake? Are you serious?”

I raised my head. “Sam?”

“Thought I might find you here when you weren’t at home.” He trudged over to meet me and sat next to me on the slide. “Joelle said you stuck your foot in it with Claire.”

I grimaced. “Sure did.”

“Want to tell me what happened?”

I didn’t, but at the same time, I did. Sam and Joelle had been together since high school. Maybe he could tell me the right thing to say.

“I was thinking of moving back here,” I said. “There’s this great fellowship… well, the details don’t matter. Point is, if I wanted, I could come back.”

“But you don’t want to?”

“No! No, I do.” The force of my denial surprised even me. “I want to be here, but what if, y’know…”

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