Page 49 of Cocky Choices: Zoe Cocker

“I’m sure he’s nicer than you’re implying.”

“He isn’t.”

“Oh.”

“I’ll protect you from him.”

A smile warms me from the inside. “You’ll protect me?”

“Of course. I know firsthand what impact his...behaviorcan have on someone. I won’t let him affect you like he did me.”

My lips part, and we stay together in silence until I quietly ask, “Was it hard growing up in your home, Caleb?”

“Very hard. Though I’m only this year realizing its impact. The insidiousness of criticism.” His volume lowers to add, as if it’s difficult to say aloud, “Of neglect.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’m working through it.”

Biting my lip, not wanting to overstep, I ask, “Why this year?”

“I was going to talk to you about this. I um…got sober this year.”

“Oh!”

“I’m sorry, Zoe. I should’ve said something earlier.”

“No, that’s okay. It’s anonymous, right? You’re not supposed to talk about it unless…” I stop speaking.

He fills in the blank, “Unless it’s to confess the truth of who you are to the person you’re proposing to.”

A short puff of an exhale escapes as I stare at my scratches on the paper. “That would be a good time.”

“Look, I’ll lay it all out for you. I’m in A.A. I have a sponsor. I’m taking it very seriously. It’s something I want for myself, not because someone’s making me do it.”

“That’s good,” I quietly reply, processing all of the new information. “I know that’s important.”

“It’s the only way it sticks.”

“I’ve heard that.”

“You know someone in the program?”

“My cousin-in-law’s brother is in it. We talked in depth once about it, at one of our Family BBQ’s, and he shared what it all means. How it changed his life.”

Caleb adds with a voice of confidence, “How it’s changed lives since 1939 when it began. It’s free. The steps work if you work them. You find community at the meetings, and they even have them online now so I can attend a meeting at any time and meet people all over the world who…get it. The sponsor I’m working with — I can’t really do it justice by describing it, Zoe — but he listens to me without judgement and he’s got so much wisdom. Patience. He’s teaching me what it’s like to have a good male role model in my life for the first time. A man who actually cares.”

“That sounds really beautiful, Caleb.”

“I can hear your smile.”

“Can you?”

“Yes… and thank you.”

“I didn’t do anything.”

“You haven’t hung up the phone.”

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