Page 94 of The Fallen Kingdom

I stare at her, turning over her words in my mind. “Why?” I whisper.You said I was ruthless. I don’t think I can be merciful, not like Aithinne.

Sorcha looks away. “Because it won’t give you purpose. You won’t ever find relief. Those painful memories don’t disappear just because you destroyed the one responsible. Killing just makes you empty.”

She stands and strides off toward the forest, stopping only when I call her name.

“I can’t forgive you,” I tell her. “You took my mother from me, and you made Kiaran say that vow. And I can’t ever forgive you.”

When Sorcha turns her head, her expression is shadowed by the trees. “Forgiveness isn’t something given,” she says softly. “It’s something earned. What could I do to earn it, Aileana? Nothing. I’d make the same choices. I don’t deserve forgiveness.”

A jolt of surprise goes through me when I realize she said my name.

She said my name for the first time.

Before I can reply, she walks away without another word.

Gavin steps out of one of the thatched cottages. He watches her retreating shadow and looks at me. “Do I want to know?”

“No,” I say softly.

“Should I send Aithinne to threaten her?”

Haven’t there been enough threats? Tears prick the backs of my eyes.Forgiveness isn’t something given. It’s something earned.

“That’s not necessary.” My voice sounds flat, unfamiliar to my own ears.

What do I know about anything anymore? I used to think all fae were evil. It was uncomplicated, easy. Now my thoughts and feelings are messy and chaotic. The one person who made things easy was Derrick.

And he isn’t here.

Gavin settles down beside me. “Do you want to be alone?”

I stare into the fire. “No.” I can’t help the sob that erupts from the back of my throat. “Gavin, I’m not all right.”

“Shh. Come here.” Gavin gathers me against him.

“I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

I can’t keep losing the people I love. I can’t keep fighting. I can’t keep going out into a battle with less and less of a reason to win.

Gavin strokes my back, and when I look into his eyes, they’re wet with tears, too. “Since when do you ever admit defeat? You’re as stubborn as Derrick was.”

“And now he’s gone,” I whisper. “I watched the Morrigan kill him, using the person I love as his executioner. Just to make me pay for refusing her.” I shut my eyes, trying to push away the memory of Derrick dying. “Look, can we talk about something else?”

Gavin is silent for a moment. Then: “I knew you cared about Kiaran. I didn’t know you were in love with him.”

That’s not any better. Gavin is terrible at this. But I’ll take any change of topic I can get.

“I’m not sure he knows either. I’ve never said the words.”

Gavin squeezes me gently. I settle against him. Now that Derrick is gone, he’s the one comfort I have left from home. Him and Catherine.

“I used to think the fae were incapable of loving anyone,” he says. “But when I see him with you, I think—” His laugh is low, dry. “I loved you once. And I never looked at you the way he does.”

Derrick’s words from back in the pixie city flicker across my memory.Like he wishes he was mortal.

I shove down the memory of Derrick’s voice. “You never told me you loved me.”

Gavin shrugs. “I planned to tell you the night before I left for Oxford. I was going to say it when you sneaked me into your bedroom and kissed me.”

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