Page 110 of The Fallen Kingdom

Catherine stacks five more and looks right at Gavin as she stuffs one in her mouth. “Mmmm,” she says closing her eyes. “Those extra stone would be worth it. I missed tea cakes. And tea. And shortbread.”

I miss Derrick. I miss his songs. I miss having him sit on my shoulder.

I miss Ki—

No. Don’t think about him.

It was slightly easier to breathe today. This morning, I was able to hold down black pudding and eggs. But if I think about him, I’ll start to feel too much again. I’ll get lost in my emotions.

“Not this again,” Gavin groans and he tells me, “Catherine has this list of things she missed and it was about one hundred items long. She recited it at three in the morning and I haven’t slept—” He presses his lips together at Catherine’s sudden hard stare. “Sorry,” he mumbles.

I look at her. “You’re still having bad dreams?”

Catherine picks at her dress. “While I appreciate the cakes and the city and everything else, some parts I...” She swallows. “I sound ungrateful.”

Daniel puts his arm around her. “It was three years, Cat. Don’t apologize for not feeling right after one bloody month.”

“I know. I just—” Catherine glances at the open door.

I rise from the settee and shut the door. We don’t want servants listening to our conversations, not when we are all discussing what seems like a dream. A collective dream where the world burned to ash.

“I don’t sleep either,” I say.More than that. “Sometimes I still go out.”

Gavin frowns. “What are you expecting to find? There are no fae in the city anymore.”

“Thank you for reminding me. I’m aware of that.” I say it a touch too sharply.

“Then why?”

“I don’t know anymore,” I lie.

Later, Gavin lingers as Catherine and Daniel leave. I’m standing next to the window, watching the sun shine through the clouds over the buildings across the square.

Gavin’s shoulder brushes mine as he comes up beside me. “You’re looking for him, aren’t you?” he asks me quietly. “When you go out at night.”

“Sometimes,” I admit. “Sometimes when I’m in this house, I feel like I can’t breathe.”

I feel Gavin’s eyes on me then, and I can’t tell if it’s because he understands or he’s searching for something that isn’t there. “Yes,” he breathes. “It’s the same for me. I suspect it would be the same for those two if they didn’t have each other.”

He nods to Catherine and Daniel, who are standing on the pavement outside of the house. Catherine laughs at something Daniel says, and the noise carries through the window. I look away. “How do you...”Deal with this?

“I lose myself in a woman.” Gavin taps his finger distractedly against the windowsill. “It helps for a few hours.” When I don’t say anything, he sighs. “You can’t keep living like this.”

“How is what I do any different? We’re both losing ourselves in something.”

“True.” He glances at me. “My offer still stands, you know.”

“Marriage?” I shake my head with a smile. “You want to marry someone who is in love with someone else? That’s no life.”

“And what if I’m willing?”

I stare at Gavin. It’s strange seeing him again as he was. His hair is cut and styled like a gentleman now, his facial hair shaved close. There are no scars on his face. No reminders of the life he lived, except for those in our memories, those awful things we can’t forget.

I reach up and trace my fingers over his cheek, over his smooth skin. “Don’t resign yourself to a life with me, Galloway. You deserve better than what I can give you. You deserve someone who loves you back.”

He nods once in understanding. “What about you?”

My hand drops to my side. “I’ll still go out at night.”

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