Page 101 of The Vanishing Throne

Something in me stirs, something I haven’t felt in a long time. I hardly recognise it at first, it’s so foreign to me: I’mjealous. I knew about the other Falconer and that Kiaran loved her, but listening to this is like a knife twisting through my gut.

I don’t say anything; if I do, I’m not certain I could keep the jealousy out of my voice.

‘We met in secret for months. Until one of my subjects brought me a Seer,’ he says. ‘It was one of my amusements: to tear out their eyes before I killed them, just to see what their last vision was.’

I try not to picture it, and I fail.

‘The vision was of me killingher.’ Kiaran speaks so mechanically, as if he’s practised this. He isn’t watching the snow fall; he’s reliving his memory, the moment of his past that changed everything. ‘I thought I could prevent it from coming true if I stopped seeing her.’ His jaw clenches and he looks down. ‘If I stopped hunting humans.’

He goes quiet, and I wonder if he’ll continue. It’s suddenly so clear now why he refused to tell me about Gavin’s vision before the battle.You would try so desperately to prevent it, and every conscious decision you made would only help the vision come to pass.

Kiaran takes a breath. ‘Without the Wild Hunt, I started to die. My kingdom began to crumble. When I was at my weakest, Sorcha brought me a human. She was trying to save my life–ourlives.’ He closes his eyes briefly. ‘I couldn’t stop myself. And of all the humans Sorcha could have chosen, she made sure it was—’

‘Your Falconer,’ I finish for him. I’m torn by so many emotions. Sadness. Jealousy. Anger at Sorcha.

And … and …wanting. How stubborn emotions can be, how complicated and difficult. Despite all the things Kiaran has done – things I’ve seen – I still care for him. I want him. I want him like he was when he was in those frigid waves with me, whispering encouragements in my ear. I want him the way he was in the ruins of Glasgow, tracing my scars as if he werememorizing them. I want him just like this, laid bare and vulnerable. Iwant.

And I’m starting to wonder if he was ever truly mine to want.

‘Catríona,’ Kiaran breathes, in a way that makes my heart ache. ‘That was her name.’

Her name rolls smoothly across his tongue like water. He says it reverently. He says it like he’s repeated it every day of his life.Catríona Catríona Catríona.

‘It’s a beautiful name,’ I tell him. I try to keep my tone even.

He’s not listening to me. He’s still caught in his memory. ‘I vowed that I’d never take another human life. So I asked my sister to—’ He glances at me. ‘But you know the rest.’

‘Aye,’I say quietly.

The kingdoms fell anyway, and he and Aithinne were the cause. God, the burdens they carry. Knowing that the choices they made for themselves – the ones that went against the Cailleach’s designs for them – were the very things that destroyed everything. And yet the very things that made him Kiaran.

He is so close, I can feel his warmth again. I try to shut out everything the Cailleach showed me, everything I’ve just heard. I want to forget how he feels about Catríona and the things he sacrificed because she left him with that small piece of humanity. I want him to help me forget it.

Then he touches my shoulder and I shrink back, because I can’t pretend. ‘No,’ I say softly. ‘I’m not her.’ I shove the chair away from the table. I put distance between us, drawing nearer to the door, but it’s not far enough. ‘I won’t be your replacement for her.’

He’s there in an instant. He grips my arms and turns me roughly. His eyes blaze. They have an uncanny glow, one I didn’t perceive before with my human sight. It’s mesmerizing. ‘Isthatwhat you think? That you’re her replacement?’

I try to pull away, but he draws me closer. ‘What else am I supposed to think? She and I are both Falconers.’

‘That doesn’t mean anything to me,’ Kiaran says. He presses his warm hand to my cheek. ‘What you are never mattered. I want you because I never feel more alive than when I’m with you. I wantyou, Kam.’

Then his lips crush against mine and he’s kissing me. God help me, but I kiss him back. I press my body to his and—

No. I need to know. ‘Do you love me?’ I whisper against his lips. ‘Like you loved her?’

Kiaran pulls back –and his sharp intake of breath tells me all I need to know. ‘Kam.’

I jerk away, trying to ignore the surprise and hurt on his face. He reaches for me but I evade him. ‘I can’t,’ I whisper. ‘I can’t do this. I need to go.’

I stride out the door.

Chapter 33

I walk through the cavern and onto the dark beach. I need to think things through. I’m surprised to see Aithinne wading in the water, her feet barely touched by the foamy ocean waves as they roll in. She has her trousers rolled up, calves bare. Her coat sways behind her, and her hair is wild and free and long.

The moon casts its light across the surf in a trail that leads right to her, and Aithinne’s skin seems to glow in response. Now that I have the Sight, I see she shines, as if her skin were made of opal.

The air is brisk, even more so than it was when I was here before I died. But the chill doesn’t bother me; the hum of power beneath my skin spreads warmth through my veins. The wind has died down, leaving everything still. There is nothing but calm swells and the crackle of rocks rolling against each other as they move with the waves.

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